So I know that I posted earlier today, but this hit my mind recently and I wanted to share. Especially because I felt like it was BIG and I wanted to get it off my mind.
One of the scariest things to me is people who have gone through traumatic experiences in their childhood then are supposed to grow up and live a “normal” life. This is by far one of the scariest things to me.
I say this because like my recent post about the lion in the middle of the ocean, people often don’t understand the pain you are going through. They can see your external, but not your internal. You can do your best to explain your internal struggles, but you may just scratch the surface if that in your explanation. It’s hard to just get someone to sit down and listen. I’ve done the therapy thing and it just wasn’t for me.
I know for me I grew up developing a strong sense of fear.
Fear of being bullied from kids at school and beat at home. I know I’ve harped on this many times, but after being saved I see that God is taking me to the roots of each of my pains in life. So there is healing going on I believe. But taking the plunge into the root of each pain to not just obtain healing, but wisdom to help others is key. At least I believe so.
My step-father scared the living daylights out of me. Like I said before – my brother and I would literally run to our rooms when he got home. Then I remember being scared and crying during and after most fights in school. Life for me was Very scary and traumatic after my biological mom and dad divorced. The divorce in itself was traumatic too.
But all of these traumatic experiences developed in me a fear I can’t explain.
I believed I had to develop a toughness about me to survive. I had to pretend to be “hard” or tough to make it through each day. Both at home and at school.
And still to this day when I walk in a grocery store or mall, I feel this angry energy I put off towards others as a defense mechanism which I developed from my younger years. Believing that if I put off a tough energy about me – though I am far from tough – people will leave me alone. Just like in middle school.
This is crazy to me as I am 28 years old now. But I still act “hard” or tough subconsciously now because of you guessed it…fear.
The fear I had as a child and still have has turned into anger. Anger that I use to protect myself because if you are “soft” or too polite at least here in America people will walk all over you. At least that’s what they did me.
But I am not tough or “hard” at all. So it hurts to leave the house or be around other people period.
As God has been revealing this to me, it made me begin to think. It made me begin to understand why I struggled holding a job and why people who have been raped, molested or traumatized period as a child struggle to hold a job or just function “normally” in society. Those experiences really stick with you! They don’t just go away with time.
I truly believe it can be a mental handicap.
Seeing some people who have been molested struggle to interact with other humans or believe people are out to get them. Seeing people who have been raped have multiple sexual partners. Seeing people who have been severely traumatized struggle to get out of the house, let alone hold down a job makes SO much sense to me now.
Though I cannot relate to each of these experiences personally, I can now see how these traumatic life experiences can almost debilitate you. Making it EXTREMELY hard to function “normally” in day-to-day society. The anxiety and fear around asking your boss for time off can make you just want to quit your job.
Your mind is almost in a state of shock and fear.
I’ve learned or at least tried to learn how to best adapt to the daily challenges of life. But with my struggles holding down a job and keeping a relationship, God has opened my eyes as to why. As to why so many other people may struggle to keep a job. As to why so many people may struggle in relationships and life period.
To me the scariest part isn’t the traumatic experience that is holding you back. The scariest part is society not seeming to care or you fearing telling your story. Not knowing who to tell it to and not believing others will understand you either.
I hate when people say, “that’s in the past, it’s time to just move on with your life.”
It just ain’t that easy. At all!
I know for me being the oldest of 7 grandchildren and the oldest of 4 siblings, I have felt like it has been my responsibility to lead and take charge. Though I have wanted to many times just collapse on the ground due to feelings of overwhelmingness in others not understanding what was going through with me internally, I pushed through. I continue to push through. Being a role model to my siblings and cousins on top of being the oldest, I feel as if it is my responsibility.
Growing up I felt like anytime I had an issue or pain in my life I was told to pretty much suck it up and move on. I really had no one to listen to me other than God I believe. This made me learn how to adapt as best as I could to the trauma in my life, but it was still there. It is still there.
So when I am fearful to go to a crowded concert because of the angry energy I will put off or just want to stay inside period because I am fearful of my siblings being traumatized or myself, I usually just get told to “push through it” or “just go outside.” Not telling them the extent of my pain, but that I just don’t want to go out.
There was and is no listening to my problems. Listening to why I am scared to go to these places and do these things. That is until God stepped in.
I’ve been talking to God now more than ever!
He’s become my best friend and my Everything. When humans don’t have time for me, He does. He doesn’t just listen, He understands. He takes me to the root and He heals me too through His Son Jesus Christ.
It isn’t a fun process, but it is a Very Much needed one.
I now see others in a different light. My hope isn’t to just get to the root of this and find healing for me, but for others as well. As I have family members and friends who I am sure feel the pressure of society to just push through and act as “normal” as possible though inside they are going through “hell.”
The best part about this is God reminds us in Psalms 34:18 (NIV):
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Though this scripture is a beautiful reminder, the pain still hurts. It’s harder knowing that the world just puts the added pressure on you to just overcome it and move forward with your life. Which is why I gain comfort in just being alone.
It sucks though feeling like your life is being wasted because of your past. Watching others start families, hold down jobs and achieve major “accomplishments” in life is tough. It can make you hate God too because you didn’t choose your life or the pain within it. Which is something I had and still am working through with Him.
I hope to work through this with God and Jesus and hopefully one day overcome this fear of mine. I hope to find the cure not just for myself, but for others as well because trauma is real. And when others don’t understand your anger outbursts or isolation and label you as weird or a monster, it only makes matters worse.
I pray and hope God heals me so that I can help bring healing to others through His Son Jesus Christ.