Honestly, I really don’t know.
Now that Thanksgiving has passed and most of my family has gone their separate ways and back to their normal lives, I am left here wondering what is next for me. I accomplished what I had hoped for by coming back East, which was mending the relationship between my ex and I. Because honestly, I hate ending things on a bad note.
So that made me feel good that I was able to sit down and talk with her and hug things out.
But now what is next for me?
As I sit here in my moms apartment in Alexandria, Virginia with all my siblings gone and my mother at work, reality really hits me. And it hits me HARD!
No question, people are going to have their input on what I should do with my life. But what does God want me to do? Is He speaking through one of my family members or friends in telling me my next move? If so, which one?
It sucks not knowing your next move. It sucks when people label you as a “bum” for not having a stable job and being independent. Okay – maybe they didn’t say it as harshly, but it still feels that way sometimes. I mean honestly, people don’t even have to say it, I just feel it. I sometimes feel as if friends and family are disappointed in me though they may not express it directly to me.
In my over a year without a job I have learned A LOT believe it or not.
I’ve learned that society really and truly places value not on who you are, but how important you are to the world. Not everyone, but the vas majority. I mean the first question people ask you next to your name now-a-days is “where do you work?” or “what do you do for work?” Subconsciously and consciously placing a value stamp on you whether you know it or not.
I hate that question.
I even hate when people ask me my name because Ibsaa for some reason is really hard for others to pronounce.
But anyways, you can gather that I am a bit frustrated because with having no job at 28 years old and realizing that society places high value on where you work or how you bring in money, I feel a bit low. I know I shouldn’t care what others think, but it’s family too. I’ve prepared myself for being “homeless” in case I do get kicked out by family members for not getting a job.
I recently told my mom that almost every job I get I come down with pneumonia or something else happens that makes it extremely difficult to stay at the job. It sucks sometimes because mental illness you can’t see, but physical ailments you can. So if I come into work with a dislocated shoulder of course my manager will say leave work and seek medical help asap. But if I tell my boss I have severe depression, which in and of itself is hard to tell anyone, they may not understand that too well. Let alone give me any time off for it.
That was more the past though. As of September 31, 2017 I was SAVED by Jesus so I am a new man!
There is a new peace about me that I cannot explain. But that doesn’t mean life is all perfect for me now. I struggle even more in church settings because my belief in Jesus and the Bible seems different than a lot of others in the church. I mean I went from extreme suicidal thoughts to extreme peace, so I feel as if I did something right. Or Jesus I should say did. But I just called on Him at just the right time in just the right way.
So my frustration now stems from losing “friends” within the church realm because of my difference in opinion and feeling as if I am a “bum” to my family and friends. Heck, it’s extremely hard to get a female to even look at you with no job or plan for your future. All of those things really destroy your self-esteem.
The only plan I do have besides heading back to San Francisco next week is to move to Ethiopia. Yes, Africa!
I am half Ethiopian, as my father is from their and I just feel like America just isn’t for me. Maybe it never has been. I am not big on technology though I am good with technology. I prefer face-to-face conversations, laughter and just spending time with one another than anything else.
My hopeful plan is to reach out to my dad who is in San Diego, California, I believe, see if I have any family in Ethiopia that I can stay with and leave the country. For how long, I don’t know. It is scary being that I don’t know the language, but hey – it is a risk that I am willing to take.
It is both Exciting and SCARY!
I heard the capital Addis Ababa is nice and may resemble a big city, but I am more interested in the countryside to be honest. Milking cows, hunting for dinner and spending quality time talking around a fire sound like heaven to me. No Instagram, Snapchat or Facebook to distract us. No phones at that!
But of coarse I need to learn the language and that for sure will take some time.
So that is where I am at. With little money, a great amount of debt and no real idea what my father will say or if he still knows many people their, I really don’t know what to expect. That is just all I can muster up at this time as far as a plan of action.
I’m just tired of living life with such low self-esteem and watching others live their what seem to be “perfect” lives over television or social media as I struggle to make it through the day. I lean on God A LOT now and have been ever since I moved to San Francisco being that I was alone a lot and still am.
Having gone to a Christian college in the middle of nowhere Florida and living a life of faith, I try my best to keep hope, faith and trust that He, being God, has still got me.
He is for sure my best friend, but sometimes He takes a while to answer back, which is why I get frustrated from time-to-time.
So we will see what happens, but I just thought I’d jot down my thoughts to maybe look back on down the road and see how far I’ve come. The BEST news is that I was Saved by Jesus. Nothing will ever beat that! And that is why I also put “homeless” in quotation marks because I believe that I will forever have a home now in heaven.