That is a question I have been trying to figure out.
How do I get the hate out of my heart?
Spending a lot of time to yourself, you learn a lot. One thing that I have learned recently is that I have hate within my heart. At least I think so. It has taken up residence within my heart yearsss ago and it’s a battle releasing it.
You see we all grow up in certain ways with certain family structures. Some of us may receive more love than others and some of us may have both parents in our lives for most of our lives. So we all grow up differently.
But like I said before, I believe we all come out the womb with a clean heart polished off by God Himself, and taken care of by His Son Jesus Christ while we are on earth.
But life, mainly the devil, wants to do his best to destroy the heart God gave us and tarnish our relationship with God and His Son, Jesus Christ. So we may think the beatings we received as a child or our parents divorcing has damaged us mentally in life. But really it has broken and damaged our hearts. The hearts God gave us and the hearts God wanted to use to direct our lives. The hearts the devil wanted so much to destroy or damage severely so that we wouldn’t follow God at all or make it very difficult to.
So my heart is just that – damaged severely.
Damaged but NOT destroyed!
Through broken promises, pain, ridicule, abuse, neglect, not enough love and so many other things, my heart has learned how to hate and not how to love. Love in the way God designed love. I am a master when it comes to hate, but struggle tremendously in the love department.
Why? Because when those wounds set in, they really set in.
The hate you had for your parents divorcing doesn’t just disappear as you get older. Nor does the hate you have towards anyone that wronged you or hurt you in the past. It sits there until that pain or hate in your heart is dealt with.
Until you forgive.
Which is why I believe there are so many gangs and violence in the world today. Because there is so much harbored hate in peoples hearts that they haven’t dealt with.
When I look back at my relationship with my ex, I tried last night to write 2 posts about how I feel she wronged me but couldn’t finish either one. I couldn’t finish the posts because I realized as I was writing them that the hate I was directing at her was really meant for someone else. Whether it be my mother, brother, sister, father, step-father, grandfather, whomever – the hate I had for her wasn’t intended for her.
I thank God for helping me realize that.
I guess once I felt safe in the relationship my true heart came out. The mind controlled the courting phase, but once I felt safe in the relationship my true heart showed itself – bringing out both the good and the bad. The anger and rage really came to a boil as we dived deeper into the relationship.
Now that I look back on it, I do think I took out a lot of anger on my ex that was really meant to be directed at my mother.
It was hard to see the light in the midst of all the dark moments, but once we broke up the darkness began to fade and the true light shown into what was really going on in our relationship. So I have just been sitting back reflecting here in San Francisco. Wondering what I did wrong and how I could have done better.
But now I am starting to realize that I can’t pursue any lasting relationship going forward until I deal with this hate in my heart. Both with men and women.
I love God because He reveals these things to me, but it’s frustrating because, at least for me, He only gives me these eye openers in doses. Like I might have to wait a whole week to be set free from this hate in my heart though I know it now exists.
It’s frustrating – I’ll be honest.
Maybe it’s because God know’s my motives and He knows that my trust in Him is low. That I just want to be healed now to get my woman back in fear of losing her to someone else. He wants me to trust Him in that the healing could take months, if not years (Please no God. But if it’s in your will, please give me the strength). He wants me to know that someone will still be waiting for me in the end.
But that the real prize isn’t a wife, but His Son Jesus.
Because no matter how healthy I am and even if my wife and I have a Great relationship both out in the open and at home, she can’t save me. If I die a few years into my Amazing marriage with my wife, nothing will have mattered if I don’t know Jesus Christ. Because as Great as she may be, she will never compare to Jesus and the love, healing, and saving grace He can provide.
So I think God wants me to see that in this time that I wrestle with Him.
It’s tough. I’ll be honest. But it’s tough, I believe, because I’ve never experienced true love.
I think having a woman in your life will bring you the love you are meant to have in life. I also feel like a woman will set me free from all this pain and hate within my heart. But after multiple failed relationships, I think it’s time to face the music. The writing is FOR SURE on the wall.
A WOMAN WILL NOT SAVE YOU IBSAA JAMAL ADAM!
But I know who will now. So I will do my best to build my trust and faith in God. I will do my best to learn more of who Jesus is and how He works within us. I will do my best to release this hate within my heart. Because I ultimately want to be set free from this hate within my heart and all the pain it brings. Not just to myself, but others as well.
I recently read this in The Bible and it really touched me:
22 The eye is the lamp of the body. You draw light into your body through your eyes, and light shines out to the world through your eyes. So if your eye is well and shows you what is true, then your whole body will be filled with light. 23 But if your eye is clouded or evil, then your body will be filled with evil and dark clouds. And the darkness that takes over the body of a child of God who has gone astray—that is the deepest, darkest darkness there is.”
– Matthew 6:22-24
My body, like I am sure many others, had gone astray from God at a young age. I believed in Him and was very close with Him when I was younger, but then life happened. I lost my relationship with Him and it has been an everyday battle getting it back.
Some of the darkest days of my life.
The devil knows that every human being on this side of earth can turn their life around for God at any moment. We all have a chance while we are still alive. While we still have breath in our lungs. So from birth he wants to set as many obstacles in our way so that the road to finding Christ within our hearts feels like a never-ending battle.
When in fact it isn’t.
The devil wants us to give up hope after we’ve been trying to find God for many, many years after a damaging childhood only to be hurt by friends, family and maybe even the church. Bringing back past memories and making us want to pack up and give up hope again. Feeling like it will never get better and frustrated at God at times knowing how hard you are trying given your past.
You may even turn to past addictions that have given you a false sense of love or strength when times got rough just to get by. The enemy wants us feel like we will never get to the finish line and know Christ within our hearts.
So for me, my eyes show the hurt within my heart and body. The hurt within me.
My twitch, I believe, reflects the pain/anger inside me as I feel the anger rising within me if I stare at someone for too long. It’s there. I believe it.
I thank God for my twitch though because it reminds me that all is not right within me. But to find out what is wrong and address it. That being the hate within my heart. Because like the scripture says,
22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. You draw light into your body through your eyes, and light shines out to the world through your eyes. So if your eye is well and shows you what is true, then your whole body will be filled with light.”
I need an eye doctor! Heck, I need more than that!!
In the Message Bible version of that same verse, it says “Your eyes are windows into your body.” If a window is dirty you can’t see in it or out. So if my eyes aren’t well, something is wrong inside of me. And it’s not only hurting me internally, but externally in my relationships with others.
So I need Jesus to not just fix or clean my eyes, but fix and clean my heart too. Fix anything damaged within me. My soul as well. Please.
Because I feel like my life right now is more like verse 23:
23 But if your eye is clouded or evil, then your body will be filled with evil and dark clouds.”
That is why I look at others with such evil in my eyes at times, though they may not feel it. That is why I believe I twitch so much. That is why internally I had struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide for a while now. Because my eyes witnessed things at a young age that truly damaged me. Things that I should have never seen – especially at my age – I saw.
Those things then trickled down to my heart and the damage was done.
And the darkness that takes over the body of a child of God who has gone astray—that is the deepest, darkest darkness there is.”
Some things were unseen, but hurt the same. The point is, we need a heart doctor, an eye doctor, a soul doctor, a mind doctor and so much more! A whole body doctor to heal us.
We need Jesus to not just heal us, but show us how to forgive those who mistreated us.
Because the devil wants us dead and with him in hell. And I can guarantee you that other people will come into your life even after you find Christ that will hurt you. Maybe even in the church or close family members. But if you learn who Jesus is now and how to forgive those who hurt you, the devil struggles getting to you like he used to. Because you are not just learning how to forgive as Christ wants us to forgive, but you are learning more of who Christ is.
Becoming like Him in the process.
So just as the devil tried to tempt Jesus when He was on this earth, but couldn’t because He had a counter for every temptation the enemy threw at Him, you too will have the same as you study scripture and become more like Christ. Plus you have the Holy Spirit alive within you to give you the strength when you feel weak.
So let’s all work together and not make our past seem bigger than what it really is. Let’s make Christ bigger than our past, present and future. Bigger than our lives and bigger than this world or anything in it. Bigger than money, our spouse, wealth and fame. The list goes on and on.
Because I believe that as we focus more on Jesus, our problems and this world, including the values within it, starts to not seem as important as it used to.
Jesus becomes BIGGER and the world and everything in it becomes smaller.
I got this. We got this. Let’s do this. Together.
With Jesus Christ as He is the only way.