That’s it. That is what I truly want in life and why it’s been so hard to move on from my exes in life.

It’s not just the desire for love, as that is a BIG one. It’s having someone to intimately listen to me. Like a mother would a child.

I love my mother A LOT, but she changed after she met my step-father. She became more tough, more busy and just not available to listen to me like how I had wanted. Someone said the oldest child and the new father usually don’t get along because the oldest is fighting for his moms attention. I believe that.

I was her first child and I felt special at one point in time.

Now living back in the very house my biological parents, brother and I lived in San Francisco, I believe I felt both love and acceptance from my parents here. If my parents had never divorced I HIGHLY doubt these blog posts or videos would even be here today.

My ex used to tell me that I desire a mother, not a girlfriend. I would chalk that up and tell her “no.” But now I am realizing she was right. The desire for love and acceptance for who I am from her was really meant for my mother. But when I tell my mom that now we usually clash, argue and I sometimes have to make my blog posts private in fear of displeasing her.

Even when we do have time together it’s like I am counting down until she goes to bed or leaves for work or travel. When I am in the car with her or at her apartment it’s like I am scared of having a conversation with her. Not wanting to say the wrong thing to make her mad and lose my opportunity to talk as they are rare now.

Yes, maybe some of the anger is on my part not feeling as if she loved me in the way I needed growing up. So I can’t put it all on her.

But to this day I still get sad when she goes to work, goes into her room to rest, travels and leaves with her friends. I just want to cry on my mothers shoulder and her not leave me and still accept me. I am not this tough guy.

Does she not see something is wrong when I have anger outbursts? Does she not see that her son is lost and in pain? Does she not see that her son wants her undivided attention?That I am not the same son I was when we lived in San Francisco?

I’m a child living in an adults body and I just want to be listened to. I want to cry, let out of this tough exterior and still be loved at the end of the day. My grandfather and step-father and even brother taught me to be tough. That toughness is how you seem to make it as a man.

Well it’s destroying me, my relationships and my career goals. Because I am just so damn angry all of the time and can’t find a safe outlet to let out of this angry Ibsaa that just wants to be set free. I miss being the soft, quiet and polite Ibsaa. Who many would probably call gay today though I am not. That’s why I keep pretending and why I said it takes courage to be different in todays world.

Even girls clown (make fun of) guys for crying and being sensitive. It’s like there is no safe place for men to just cry, vent and let out of their tough exterior.

My ex would oftentimes ask me what was wrong, but I would hide it. Not wanting her to see my soft side. Because when I would ask other girls what women wanted in a guy growing up, they would say a man with confidence. So I would pretend I was strong & confident, when really I was in extreme pain.

I didn’t want to lose her.

Even in therapy I couldn’t truly let out of my tough guy exterior. You just don’t know how people will react and the fear of being judged, abandoned, made fun of, kicked out and alone gets greater and Greater. It’s crippling.

I even struggle at church.

This tough guy exterior I have been putting on for years has been destroying me from the inside out. I will get moments of extreme happiness where I am cracking jokes and making others laugh, then I will feel angry all of a sudden. It’s like I’m bipolar.

Crazy as it sounds, my grandfather was the same way.

I told my grandmother recently that me & him seem to share a lot of similarities. I mean people would say we had the same build and look alike a whole bunch. But I really didn’t pay much mind to it or believe it myself. But as I continue to unfold my troubling issues that I am trying to break free from in life, I now see many resemblances that I have to my grandfather who passed in 2014.

He too would have moments where he was cracking jokes and making everyone laugh then would flip a switch and be serious like it was nothing. I think I asked my grandmother once how he did that? It was crazy to me.

Oftentimes I had wished in my heart he could just remain the funny/jokey side because to this day, he is the funniest man in the world to me. That’s including all of the comedians on television or anywhere else. His sense of humor, to me, was perfect.

But when he flipped the switch over from funny to serious, there definitely was no more joking going on. The whole energy in the house switched with him and I hated it. I didn’t hate him, but the dark energy that overtook the house.

It was as if the light shown for a moment then darkness overtook our house.

Not saying my grandfather was dark, but his serious side was no joke and being the man of the house, it felt as if he had control over the energy of the house too.

So I look at myself today and oftentimes am blown away by the similarities. I remember dating my ex and she told me just that in that I would be the lead of the house one day and the energy of the home would flow off of me. Either she told me that or a pastor – I can’t remember exactly.

Man, did that stress me out knowing all the baggage I was carrying!

Well if the energy in my house is to be pleasant and shine bright as my name means, I have some work to do. Which is why I keep posting away. Hoping that letting it out will provide healing for me and others as well.

If I can’t find love and acceptance from my mom then I’m going to have to lean on Jesus.

Jesus: “Aww man, you again?!”

Haha – just playing. I know He wouldn’t say that. “Right Jesus?”

Seeing what my grandfather went through and me believing I suffer similarly, I don’t want this to get passed down to my kids & grandkids. So I have to break it here, with me! Which is probably why I post so frequently.

My followers are probably about to go to bed after reading one of my posts then BAM!

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It’s like I am letting my heart out and all the anger, frustration and pain buried within it.

To remove all the darkness within my heart and bring the light back again. The light being Jesus.

Yes, my grandfather and I had different life experiences but our results or symptoms are still the same I believe.

Many people have depression-like symptoms, but their stories of getting to those symptoms are all different.

I need Jesus to let me cry on His shoulder and let out of this tough guy exterior I have been holding on to that is destroying me. I need Jesus to listen to me without putting any time limits on our conversation or cutting me off to offer his two cents. I need to know that Jesus loves me everyday unconditionally whether I cry that day or not. I need to be taught what real love looks like in the eyes of God. I need to know Jesus will never leave my side like others have done in the past. I need Jesus to help me forgive others, so that I can be forgiven. 

I could ask other family members to provide this for me, but there is something unique & special about your mom and dad. I mean they brought you into this world and you once were their pride and joy. You might still be, but they may not show it in the way you want. It’s especially harder when your mom and dad are still alive. At least for me – as I can’t speak for those whose parents have passed and am only imagining if they were gone how I’d feel then.

I was a lost & hurt child when I dated my ex. I hope that before I find my wife, I grow up into the man God wants me to be so that I can not only lead my household in the way it should be lead and provide a constant positive energy through the addition of Jesus Christ into our home, but not look to my wife as a mother but a wife. A wife in how God intended her to be.

I pray for the day I find a wife and not a replacement for my mother. I pray for the day I stop equating the men of my past to be who God is.

Also break this “curse” or whatever you want to call it on my family.

I don’t think we are cursed but there definitely needs to be a change. We for sure need Jesus up in our house and up in our lives! At least I think so.

Grandma, get my room ready! Somebody is moving in!!

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I could have easily married a woman and had her put up with my flippant & ever-changing attitude, but my last girlfriend wasn’t having it. Now I see why God told her to reach out to me when we worked together years ago. Now I see one of the reasons why at least.

I don’t want to hold onto this hate in my heart for people of the past anymore. They may been hurt as a child too and it’s time to forgive them and move on. For my sake, theirs and for the future generations coming.

Also, I don’t want to hold people back from living their lives. I never want to date again until I know what love, forgiveness and acceptance feel like. True love, forgiveness, and acceptance.

I need Jesus to be the mother and father I’ve always wanted. I pray that Jesus comes into my heart, my families hearts, my friends hearts, my ex & her families hearts and your heart as well.

I want to lead my house and my life in the way God destined it to be led.

By putting Jesus Christ first. Always.

God Bless

 

 

 

 

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