Man, God is good. He is so good though I feel as if I hate Him many times.
We have a complicated relationship.
He is good for many reasons. Providing a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food, a car, my health and a family that was blessed financially so that I could have this time with Him to myself.
It’s kinda crazy how life works when you think about it.
What if God knew that I would one day be here living in San Francisco and that I would need this extended alone time with Him? So He provided for my family years and years before I was even a thought to have this home and for my family to have the financial stability for me to live this comfortably without needing a job. At least not now.
Of coarse this house and the money God has blessed my family has supported so many others through the years. But I sometimes stop for a moment and think about how God could have been planning this very moment well before my grandparents even met.
I’m sure He did.
God wanted them to buy this house, in this city to have for this generation as well as others.
I believe my life will have meaning one day – it’s just a question of when. I believe God is preparing me for my moment.
With the preparation process, everyday brings some new insight if I draw close to God. Today has brought many and one that I would like to share is why I truly believe I wished to be like others.
I know, I know. I have talked on this already before. But God always takes me deeper as I draw deeper in my relationship with Him.
That is, my addiction in wishing to be like others turned into just that – an addiction.
To this day, I still don’t know how it worked but I remember being in my middle school at National Christian Academy in Fort Washington, Maryland and wishing to be “hard” or tough or like LeBron James and feeling different. Though I didn’t know LeBron James personally, I just felt different after I wished to be like him. I felt more confident and just…different.
I can’t explain how it worked or why, but I just know it did.
As I stated before, I just kept wishing to be like others when one would fade. LeBron is done, okay on to Patrick Ewing Jr.
It legit became an addiction.
I had no idea what I was turning into. People around me may have been becoming addicted to weed, alcohol or sex, but I was becoming addicted to becoming like other people. Becoming like respected people whom others liked. I loved the feeling of others liking me and girls finding me attractive.
It wasn’t until I got older that I realized something was off.
You see I had thought for the longest that I had just wished to be like others and lost myself. So I just needed God or Jesus to step in to bring Ibsaa back. But what I didn’t realize until today was I didn’t just become addicted to being like others, I became addicted to being liked by others.
Going places and even around family I tried to minimize the drama and conflict as much as possible. I wanted the world to be happy like the Disney channel, yes, but I also wanted everyone to like me and like my family.
Just recently I remember going to the dog park when I had my dog and people would speak so highly of me because I was so nice. Family as well.
But they didn’t realize – they don’t realize – that I don’t actually know if I am this nice or if I am just conforming to be what will please them. Like I said, being liked by others was a nice feeling growing up. Especially after being picked on and bullied so much. So I became addicted to the feeling.
I guess you can say my life is kind of like a real-life version of the movie Get Out.
Ibsaa, the real Ibsaa that God created, is inside somewhere. He is in the sunken place. But he is trapped now in this nice guy exterior not knowing if that is truly who he really is, but it is who the world believes him to be. So anytime he lashes out with anger or anything other than being nice, whom the world believes he is, people think something is wrong with him.
If you tell him to change and just be himself, he can’t. At least not without the help of God and His Son. But He first has to know what is wrong with him.
When he lashes out, nothing is wrong with him. He just wants to be set free, but people see his verbal outbursts or fits of anger as extreme and not normal. That’s just the real Ibsaa trying to get out. But he doesn’t know how or with whom he can break out.
Now I see the importance of having a supportive father or role model growing up. Now I see the importance of knowing Jesus Christ.
So I thank God for my previous post in Jesus being that person I can break out too.
This addiction of trying to be liked by everyone is so, SO draining. I remember my ex invited my family over for my birthday once thinking that it would be fun for me, but I was mentally overwhelmed. Trying to keep all my siblings and my mom happy was not fun. Not at all.
Being a Christian only makes it worse.
Since I went to Bible college and show to my family that I have a relationship with God they expect me to act a certain way. They expect me to act like Jesus. So the outbursts and fits of anger are seen as EXTREMELY abnormal and unaccepted from me.
Which is why I just crave being alone. Not having to please anyone but Ibsaa. Though I struggle doing that as well as I lost myself in the process of pleasing others.
I am not mad, but happy that God put this on my heart. Maybe this will help someone else and not just me. That’s the goal in life right – to not just live for yourself, but others too?
Like I said before, I believe it is your heart that needs to be set free in order to live the life God intended for you. So here I am releasing what God just recently put on my heart.
I believe that one day I will be able to go out in the world and not feel as if I have to please everyone or be accepted by everyone. But in a way I am glad I did because I don’t know if I would be this close to God had I not.
I mean after so many years of wishing to be like others and losing track of who you are, you truly become lost and very frustrated. It feels like life is over for you as everyone prepares for college, their careers and gets married. It feels like you have to start life over again, but have no clue how. Which is why suicide became a thought of mine.
But when God stepped in and told me to read a chapter of His Word everyday, I accepted the challenge because I had nothing else.
I needed hope in something. It was all I had.
No human being would probably understand me. Heck, I didn’t even understand me.
God saved my life that day in St.Thomas.
Who knows how many other lives God will save by me sharing my story and instead of everyday trying to please man, taking ALL of that energy I put in over the years trying to please everyone but Ibsaa and putting it on God instead.
That’s how to flip your pain for His gain!
We’ll see what Jesus can do through my life and what He can do through yours if you open up your heart to Him.