You see, I lost myself as I stated in my last blog post. Heck – I am lost now.
But I am glad that God allowed me to wander blind in the wilderness (figure of speech) for many years.
You see, I was searching. Searching high-and-wide for myself. After middle school I started to realize kids didn’t want you to be tough, they wanted you to be yourself.
“Ahhh shoot! You mean to tell me I had it ALL RIGHT before I started acting all hood & ish?!” – Haha.
Well, so much for that, right? Anyways, once I hit high school I knew it was time to find Ibsaa again, but God was like “wait, a minute.”
Though mentally I was in “hell” because I had wished to be like so many people and lost sense of who I truly was, God wasn’t just going to give me the easy way out by me praying for my life back and God granting me it just like that.
No, no, no!
God knew my true intentions. Just like in middle school when I wished to be hard to be liked by others, God knew I was only wishing or praying to be like me to be liked by others again. Knowing that’s what they liked.
“God, you are good.”
God: “All the time Ibsaa. All the time.”
Haha. Let me stop playing.
But God knew my real intentions. He knew I was wishing/praying to be like me for the wrong reasons. So He didn’t allow it. At least not then.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
-Romans 12:2 (New International Version)
This scripture has been my guiding force in life. This scripture is why God didn’t just hand me my life back when I asked Him too. God wanted to change my mind and my relationship with the world.
Change my relationship with Him as well.
Through staying in God’s Word daily, I have posted things on social media sites that I probably NEVER would have done had I not stayed in God’s Word for so long. Through staying in God’s Word I have connected and listened to people in a way I probably NEVER would have had I not stayed in His Word for so long. Through staying in God’s Word daily, I have learned to make Him my best friend and not care about losing all my so-called “friends.”
Through this process God has showed me who is really on my side and though I have lost Christian friends and friends who aren’t Christian on this journey because my faith is just a little rough around the edges, I still feel God saying, “I got you. Keep pressing forward.”
So this has not been an easy journey at all. I thought I could just pray for my life back and that would be it. God would give it to me and I’d be fine.
Not at all.
But I’ve realized when God WILL give me my life back.
God will give me my life back after I can post the blogs and videos that get people to unfollow and unfriend me.
I’ll be honest – those were some of the toughest days of my life. It literally felt like hell!
God will give me my life back when I show signs of The Fruit of The Spirit in love, joy, peace, kindness, faithfulness and so on. God will give me my life back after I endure the many years of suffering to build my perseverance, character and hope as we see in Romans 5:3-5. God will give me my life back when I make God my best friend and put His Word over any mans – believer or unbeliever.
God will give me my life back when I am ready to experience many seasons/years of loneliness to go through these growth periods to get to know who God is outside of who people say He is. To build a genuine relationship with Him like I would a family member or spouse.
What God has really been trying to say to me is shown here in Matthew 6:25 (NIV):
25 “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.”
I lost my life many years ago trying to be what the world wanted me to be. Because I felt alone and unaccepted for who God created me to be. I felt like I had no other choice but to conform to the world.
I’ll never forget being punched almost everyday before computer class by this kid Byron and just taking it, not retaliating back. But the day I finally stood up for myself and punched him back he respected me and left me alone. It may have been at that moment that I realized being tough was how I had to be to survive. Even if it wasn’t me.
But God never left my side. It almost brings me to tears to know that He stopped me on my car ride home from work one day to help bring me back to Him. I could have killed myself or gone on the rest of my life living a lie and pleasing the world. God cared and remembered His creation.
He wanted me back. He wants you back too!
God saw a broken child. A child whose brokenness He could use for His glory one day. So He used me. I just had to be obedient and endure tremendous pain. But He reminded me through the years of pain that: “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all (2 Corinthians 4:17 NIV).”
Just as God wants to use you too in your brokenness.
God loves to use broken people.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
– Psalm 34:18 (New International Version)
And I am here today as a 28 year old man to say that I am asking God now to find myself not to appease the world, but to know His Son Jesus Christ. That is all.