Breaking News! Breaking News!
I am sorry to say this ladies & gentlemen, but I am not a Christian nor do I think I ever have been.
You see, I’ve always struggled with believing in Jesus Christ and wondered why for the longest. I mean I asked God to help me believe and kept praying over and over, but nothing. I kept wondering to myself why it was so hard for me to believe in Jesus, but not others.
It bothered me as well because I believed that the only way to heaven was through Jesus.
But I do know for sure that I had a strong relationship with God as a child and do believe I have a strong relationship with Him now. I mean after hearing His voice in the Virgin Islands, I felt as if I had no choice but to listen.
But listening to Him has taken me on a journey to say the least.
I dropped Pre-Med for Transformational Christian Ministry, moved from DC to Florida and now I am living in San Francisco, California where I was born wondering what’s next. I also went a period, I think about 3 years, where I took a break from doing what God had told me to do in the Virgin Islands.
“Read a chapter of The Bible a day.”
I mean, in my head, I had “completed” it after taking 3+ years to finish, so I was good.
Not so much.
Those 3 years after I “finished” reading His Word were intense. Bad relationships, switching jobs countless times, many bouts of anger/depression, and the list goes on. This is while seeing therapists, reading self-help books and going and being active in church. I just couldn’t shake it.
So I went back to my Word. Daily and just one chapter a day.
So here I am today. After reading & listening to Exodus 8 today, I believe God revealed something to me.
I am not a Christian.
You see, when my parents divorced when I was around 7 years old it was a very traumatic experience for me. Not just because I was leaving my biological father, but I was leaving the only man who would really ever truly understand me next to God.
My grandfather and step-father were Great, but they weren’t my dad. I believe I carried traits like my father such as being more timid, sensitive, and reserved and the men who raised me weren’t that way. They were more rough & tough – alpha male type. But for any young man, you want to be accepted by your father figures, so you become what is pleasing to them. What makes them like you.
My younger brother could deal better than I could because he was tougher than me externally. He could fight and hold his own. I once cried when this kid power bombed me in middle school and have been in numerous fights in my life.
But back to the main point.
I only believe that I became Christian because those were the “nice” people and though I tried to be “hard” or tough for a period of my life to fit in, I knew inside that that wasn’t me. The feelings of toughness would fade and others could see right through me as well.
So I discovered Christianity and tried to be like them. They were/are nice people, don’t like to fight and just seemed overall peaceful. So I figured I could just pretend to be like them instead of pretending to be like a tough guy. It just fit more closely to who I believed I was.
But I believe God redirected me to His Word later in life because like those tough guys who saw right through me and saw how “weak” I really was, God can see right through me as well. God knows that I am putting on this Christian facade to be accepted by Christians, as I am scared to lose them too.
I just want to be accepted by someone for who I truly am. Or who I truly thought I was.
I mean feeling alone is tough. It’s one of the scariest feelings in the world in my opinion.
I believe I am A LOT like other Ethiopians, but I don’t have many or any Ethiopian close friends to confirm that. So I latch on to the next best thing in my opinion, which are Christians.
But it’s wearing me out.
I just want to be Ibsaa – the real Ibsaa – and if being Christian comes, it comes.
I really do thank God though. I could have gone on for the rest of my life living this lie, even as a Christian, but God said “No.” God redirected me to His Word to bring me back.
So we will see where the journey leads me next. Just one chapter, or one day at a time.
Thanks God for helping me realize this important truth by staying in your Word daily.