It’s getting tiring. Honestly, it is.
As I sat in a group a couple of weeks back of other persons who struggle with depression, I realized something. I realized that I have become good – really good – at masking my pain.
I honestly don’t know how, why or what happened to make me so good at pretending I was “okay” to the world, when inside I was and am in pain most of the time. But what I do know is that I am tired. I am worn out and burnt out in trying to make others happy while I suffer.
Though I feel like I have got better in many areas and God has helped me grow A LOT, it still hurts. It still hurts trying to put on a face every time you leave your house or someone comes to visit you. Heck, I even struggled making it to church this morning because I didn’t want to put on a face. I didn’t want to pretend like I was happy or overjoyed to see certain people. I didn’t want to have short, quick conversations with people when what I am going through is deep and needs real attention.
I am by no means thinking suicide. The pain just hurts. A LOT!
I believe in my heart God is molding me to be someone who can help others. It’s just the journey sucks. The journey hurts like “hell.”
So I just do my best to push through each and everyday. Clinging to my Bible a chapter a day. While most, maybe no one, truly realizes what I am struggling with.
But the world doesn’t care. If I stopped on a street corner and just started to cry someone may just take a video of me and throw it on social media to poke fun at me. Or if I called out at work multiple days because the depression was eating away at my mind and making it tough for me to make it in to work, I might just get fired. All because people, not everyone, don’t care.
We just don’t care.
We have our life to live and our struggles, so why should I care about someone else’s issues? Why not video them or look down on them to make myself feel better? To make my friends or family laugh at their situation. To become more popular in the world’s eyes as my twitter followers increase because of me posting someone else’s pain for my worldly gain.
It’s the world we live in. Fearful to be our “true” selves because of how the world may look at us. So we “fake it till we make it.” But when do we make it? When we have 1 million YouTube subscribers?
I rather be real now, so that I am not real in the real hell. I believe that by being honest, open and your true self even if nobody else around you understands or encourages you is worth it not just in the end, but now too. You develop a strength most people just see in the movies.
Those superheroes become you as you push through the pain, the ridicule and the bashing from others. You become a superhero as you stand apart from the rest to take on the enemy. That being the devil.
Many people are working for the enemy and don’t even know it. They pick on those who are trying to live a life God would see pleasing, but have no idea whose side they really are on.
We live in a world that is a battle between superhero and super-villain and most of us don’t even see that!
We are so focused on Batman verses Joker that we don’t see the REAL matchup going on in the world between God and the devil. Those are the characters you should be paying attention to the most. Not those characters you have posted up in your bedroom.
One character is trying to destroy the whole world just like in the movies and the other is trying to save it. I will let you figure out who is doing what.
But if we, as humans, stop to see that then I believe more of us will switch sides. We will see whose team we have been on as we’ve been putting others down, bashing our neighbor and just not helping others period. If we open up our Bibles we will not just see how we can join God’s team, but the love He has for us. The love He has for me and you though we may join the wrong team multiple times in our lives.
To me, that is the team or the superhero I want to be behind. God and Jesus’ team.
So if that means I will have to keep going through this mental hell “alone” then so be it. But I know that I am not alone as I have God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit to guard, protect, guide, comfort and love me amongst many other things.
Yes, I did say that I am tired of pretending in the beginning of this post and that is true. I am. I am tired of appeasing the world (the enemy) by being this always happy person. No – not anymore. It is time to be the real Ibsaa whether the world likes it or not. God knows my heart and He knows that my intentions are not to hurt others. He knows that by becoming a friend to the world everyday is only hurting me and my relationship with Him. We cans see that in James 4:4.
God knows that I am depressed. He knows what I have been through in my past. So He will understand if I just want to be silent at the dog park, though others might see me as an a$$hole.
Even relationships I can’t do. Because I am putting on a face with my partner when they constantly want to play sports or go do different activities or even go hang with friends. Because the “real” Ibsaa has expended too much energy just waking up, having a conversation with them and going to the grocery store.
People say go visit family, but that’s a “no no” too. The fakeness comes right back even with them. It’s that bad.
My true desire is just to be by myself until I am fully recovered or someone at church lets me start a small group at church around depression. I believe that I cannot fully function and heal until I bring others into the mix. This battle is not just my own and I know that there are others out their just like me, but may be scared to come forth. Or don’t know where to go that is a safe place to talk on this.
But these things take time. Of coarse.
So I will keep pushing not just for me, but for other sufferers out their with depression. I wouldn’t change a thing if I could because I know my pain is working for the greater good of God’s will. Also, me pushing through this storm in my life could lead someone to Christ. And even if it is just one person, I believe it’s worth it.
To really be strong for Christ is to stand firm even if the world rejects you. I believe that in my heart. So I am done being the “fake” Ibsaa who is always engaging in conversation. Yes, it may be tough with my battles with abandonment, but I am going to keep working through it with God.
This will be a journey like it always has been. I know God will not leave me, so I am ready for it.