Growing up I was the oldest. Heck, I am and will forever be the oldest until I die then my younger brother will take the rains.
But for now, I am the oldest of 4 including myself.
So if there was one thing that I learned how to do well growing up, it was how to take care of my younger siblings. I was given that responsibility from an early age. I may not have asked for it, but it was bestowed unto me.
So I accepted it as I had no choice.
But there was one thing wrong with being the oldest and being responsible to take care of my younger siblings. One Major thing.
I had learned how to take care of my younger siblings, but hadn’t learned how to take care of myself. I was so focused on watching after them so that I didn’t get in trouble with my mom or step-father that I neglected myself. I also didn’t receive the love and attention I desired from my parents growing up, so I was really at a loss.
I wanted to shield my siblings as best as I could from the tough upbringing we had to endure, so I tried to give them the best love, care and attention I could conjure up. It comforted me knowing that they were safe and “good” though I was hurting inside by not having anyone there to comfort me as I had wanted. But it was a sacrifice I was willing to make so that they didn’t have to suffer like I was.
Now as a 27 year old man, I live life with one sole purpose – to care for others.
I may have been mentally in pain for most of my life, deprived of love, care and attention and in need of so much more, but through all those unfulfilled desires I kept doing what I do best. Caring for others.
Days when I wanted to end my life I would still try to help someone else in need. Days when I would be going through some of the worst mental hell possible in which I saw no way out, I still cared deeply for my siblings and wanted to make sure they were “okay.” By praying for them even if I struggled or didn’t want to pray for myself.
Because I felt that that was my responsibility in life. Heck, I still feel as if it’s my responsibility in life.
To care for others in need. No matter how much pain I may be in.
That’s all I know how to do and do well – I believe.
Because people need me just as much as my siblings needed me growing up. But after I give so much of myself I am oftentimes depleted and unsure as to where to get my replenishment.
Nobody ever taught me how to love and care for myself growing up.
So I give to others and gain pleasure from seeing them happy. It’s like a high for me.
Which is why I also believe I have wanted to end my life on numerous occasions. Feeling tired of giving so much of my energy to others when I don’t know how to find the energy I need to keep going myself.
I used to turn to pornography to refill me, but then realized how that wasn’t helping, but rather hurting me even more and the relationships around me. So I was stuck. Heck – I am stuck.
I also believe it is why I desire intimate relationships so much. Having a real person by my side through thick-and-thin gives me this comfort like I feel I gave my siblings growing up. Like they will be there to protect, comfort and “love” me like I have been trying to give others for so many years. What I have always wanted in my life.
When I am in a relationship with a woman, I try to be on my best behavior for the most part as I can’t lose their love. I live a life of fear of losing their love that is miserable!
Because when I am single and without friends or family around me I really and truly struggle. Heck, even when I am in a relationship and around both family and friends, I still struggle. Because nobody ever taught me how to love myself in the proper way. I am constantly giving and not receiving. And we all need love.
So I feel helpless, frustrated and with no real reason to keep pressing forward. Other than to receive a false sense of love through sex or sexual acts from different women I may or may not be in a relationship with.
My only reason or desire to move forward each day is to help others. Like it has always been. I harassed my ex by asking her multiple times what she needed help with in her life and it frustrated me when she didn’t have any real needs from me.
I felt like I had no purpose in the relationship and she was only doing things for me. I just wanted so badly to do for her the only thing I thought I knew how to do well in life. Care for others. And it was frustrating to feel without purpose in my relationships.
I believe that everything that I do now is for others because I never learned how to do anything for myself. I never learned how to love myself in the way God desires.
I try to work out and get in shape so that others will like me more and so that others will be encouraged to lose weight when they see me. Thus asking me to help them lose weight.
I try to eat healthy so that others will ask me what I ate or didn’t eat to lose weight. So that I can help them.
I even try to follow God for others and not myself. As embarrassing as that sounds. Right now I don’t feel as if I personally want to follow God for myself. I am only following Him because I heard He or Jesus helps people and I just want healing so that I can help others around the world find healing who may be going through the same struggles as me or similar. I just need God to heal me, so that I can rush to help others in need.
I probably won’t even stick around to reap the benefits myself from God healing me. I’ll be off either posting a blog post or telling people at my church or on Facebook as quickly as I can what God did to heal me.
Because I don’t know how to do things for myself, only others.
Maybe that’s why God won’t heal me. Because I am doing it for others and not myself. Also, maybe God won’t heal me because I am trying to take God’s job. I am trying to become Jesus Christ and heal the whole world.
Though God wants the whole world to come to Him, He sent Jesus for that job and not Ibsaa Jamal Adam.
Isn’t that just mind blowing how mentally handicapped I truly am?
Because I feel like if I endure as much suffering as possible in life like Jesus while staying close to God or if I know the Bible in-and-out like Jesus, I can help so many other people.
Not caring about helping myself at all in the process. Only others.
Isn’t that crazy? That not only do I only follow God for others and not myself, but I am trying to be Jesus Christ Himself and heal the whole world! That blows me away just thinking that!
No wonder I struggle being intimate and truly knowing God loves me and knowing His Son, Jesus. Because they think I am out for their job and they don’t want that. God just wants me to be who He created me to be. And Jesus already has it under control. He doesn’t need my help healing the world. Just bringing hurt persons to Him and He will do the rest.
God also realizes that I am not chasing after Him for me. I am chasing after God for other people. I go to church on Sunday’s because I want to get out of this mental hell I’ve been in for years – yes. But mainly so that I can share with others how I got out, so that they can find healing too.
But how can I care for others when I’m struggling myself? Or how can I care for others when I don’t even care for myself at all?
Doesn’t The Bible say “love others as you love yourself?”
If I don’t know how to even love me, what kind of love have I been giving out to people all these years?
That is a scary thought to me knowing how much I truly care for others and want to help those in need.
All these sermons I’ve listened to, self-help books and scriptures I’ve read, therapists I’ve been to and medicines I’ve taken for my mental battles weren’t for me, but for others.
This has to stop! I’ve reached my breaking point.
Not being able to truly understand and connect with The Bible like I want. Not even being able to truly listen to sermons or read books for myself or if I do, I’m hyper-alert because I don’t want to miss out on the key that will set me free from this mental pain I’m in every day. Not only that, I want to remember exactly what it was that set me free so that I can help others in need. And for hour long plus sermons or lengthy books, it’s a daunting task.
I thank God for His Word as it has provided me so much comfort through these tough days. I can’t read The Bible like many of you probably can to understand it, but I can read it to try my best to connect with The Creator. And I think it is working because I feel these blogs are a reflection of God revealing truths to me as I stay in His Word everyday. Truths that I need to come out to receive the healing that I need and have always wanted.
It gives me a sense of hope just reading a chapter each day. It’s all I’ve got.
Because I still don’t know how to love me and I will never get married, know God, have a relationship with God or Jesus or have a fulfilling life until I do. I may not even have a for sure ticket to heaven until I learn to love myself.
I don’t know how to love Ibsaa Jamal Adam.
I think I often destroy my relationships around me because I feel so unworthy of love due to the fact that nobody ever loved me in the way I desired growing up. I often times try to go above and beyond in my relationships giving love as best as I know possible by helping them, so that they in turn love me back. Also, so that they see that I at least tried to love them as best as I could without disclosing to them to fullness of why I believe I struggle giving and receiving love.
I am trying every single day, but it’s hard. Very hard to do!
I am in dire need of an understanding in how to love myself now more than ever!
My life depends on it.
I thank God for revealing this to me today. Most people may not read my blogs like before and I’m “okay” with that. At the end of the day I have to remind myself that I am doing this for me and my legacy.
Because one day I will look back on all of my posts and see how God has changed my life in ways unimaginable. How God has revealed so much to me by staying in His Word daily even if it is a struggle to read. And remember one day when I look back on these posts where I used to be and the pain I was in. The pain God carried me through.
Not only that, the pain God healed in my life not for others, but for myself first and foremost.
Thank you God.
“Well God, I just ask this one favor from you today. May you please show me how to love myself in the correct way? In the way you approve and desire me to love myself. I thank you for putting this on my mind and heart to share. But I need your help as nobody taught me how to love myself growing up, only how to love and be there for others. Can you please be there for me and help me stop focusing so much of my energy on others, but rather redirecting it towards me? At least for a moment. I will be honest, I have no clue how to love myself God. I really and truly need your help in this. Please show me the way. In Jesus name, Amen.”