You think going through “hell” is scary? Let me tell you – going through “hell” alone is even scarier.
For most of my life I’ve felt like I’ve been going through a mental “hell.” I don’t know exactly where it came about, though I have some thoughts as to where it did. But I am still not 100% certain. That’s why I’ve been in and out of therapists offices over the years trying to find the root of this and how to get rid of it for good.
This, I believe, began when I was in middle school and it is the scariest thing in the world! Your mind being held captive by what seems like the enemy and there is no way out.
So how do I get through each day? Two things.
Read a chapter of the Bible a day and hope. Hope that tomorrow or today I will be set free. Set free from this mental pain.
You see I think there was a divine reason I not only heard God tell me to read His Word daily, but I saw it. I saw the people around me sink to a lower level while I was driving home from work, everything around me turn grey and God speak those words. To read His Word a chapter a day.
I still don’t know how I didn’t crash. I felt like I was in a transe or something and time stopped.
It was trippy!
I believe there are people in this world who may seem normal to me and you. They may be the life of the party, always have a positive outlook on life and the “perfect” life it seems like, but internally something is off.
Internally they are going through “hell.”
But because of the way of the world and the stigma around mental health issues, they stay silent. Not believing anyone will truly care or understand them. I for one know because I stay silent.
But I’m not here to talk about other people today. I am here to talk about me and the mental “hell” I’ve gone through for most of my life. You see, there is a reason Job is one of my favorite books of the Bible. Because this man truly endured what seemed like “hell” on earth, but preserved and made it through.
Not only did he make it through, God blessed him with double what he had before Satan was allowed to torment his life.
That right there, ladies and gentlemen, is what gives me hope after I read a chapter of the Bible each day. God knows that I am going through mental torment even if nobody else around me can see it. God also maybe told me to stay in His Word so that I could push through this storm in my life. But God, I have a question for you.
“Will my ending be like Job’s? Will I be blessed double time after I push through all of this suffering?”
I believe so. I will speak it into existence now!
I’ve had a prophet tell my mom that I’d be “okay” years before I heard God speak to me. I’ve had a prophet call me up specifically in college and say that I would be “a king” one day amongst other things. I’ve heard God’s voice before and seen how He could stop time.
This is by no means to brag, but to lift me up. To remind me that there is another side to this mental pain & suffering that I am going through. That it will all be worth it in the end, but I just have to keep pushing and staying in God’s Word daily.
The reason the title of this post is “Not wanting to go through ‘hell’ alone” is, well, because I hate going through this mental “hell” alone.
Losing my ex was really tough. She was the only real person I could lean on through all of this that seemed to somewhat understand my situation and now she’s with someone else.
Now I have to continue on this journey alone. Which is a very scary thought!
Yes, I have God’s Word which is Great, but sometimes you miss an actual person to talk to. Someone who will be there to comfort you during the really tough days.
I miss that.
My dog has been great, but she’s not a person. I can’t have a full on conversation with her unless I wanted to look loco en la cabeza (crazy in the head).
So I’ll just keep trucking along. I know my story may not motivate anyone to stay in their Word a chapter a day seeing all the battles I go through. But like I said in my last post, I believe suffering has a purpose when you allow God to have a hand in it.
Jesus went through suffering. Jesus went through loneliness, abandonment, abuse, betrayal and so much more. Things I feel I am going through or have went through in my life. And isn’t the purpose of life to not just bring people to Jesus, but to become like Him as well?
I think I’ve done a pretty good job of that looking at my history and what I’ve pushed through.
With the grace of God of coarse.
So yeah, that’s where I’m at today. Yesterday and today have been especially tough – I don’t know why. I felt God tell me to put my dog in daycare after I left church this past Sunday, so I’m at home alone for a few more days without Elmira.
And it’s been Very lonely.
I was reading Psalms 39 this morning and something David said to God I had to highlight. Because it was exactly how I was feeling.
Psalm 39:12-13 New International Version (NIV)
12 “Hear my prayer, Lord,
listen to my cry for help;
do not be deaf to my weeping.
I dwell with you as a foreigner,
a stranger, as all my ancestors were.
13 Look away from me, that I may enjoy life again
before I depart and am no more.”