So I met with my pastor today and for the most part it went well.

We got in some heated debates, but overall it was a good meeting. There was one thing missing though from our meeting. That was him truly seeing and believing I am called to the ministry. 

He seemed to say it towards the end of our conversation, but I expected it at the beginning. I mean he reached out personally to hang out after I opened up in our men’s group because I didn’t believe the guys in it were being real. But rather staying on the surface with all their issues.

I am personally struggling in my life as you can see in my blog posts and it’s sad that I have to turn to WordPress over my church family to express my hurts and pains. But I did and here I am. 

For the few that read my posts I appreciate it. Honestly I start my day now with reading one of my older posts and it truly encourages me. I would go to listen to myself preach even though that isn’t saying much. I know that sounds silly, but it’s true. I love reading what I write and the encouragement it gives me. 

I just wish sometimes a pastor or other person in the church would immediately say that they see something in me. The pastor I met with today said that other people spoke to him and belived he had a calling on his life. 

I’ve never had that. So what do I do?

Like I said, my pastor did say he could see me in the ministry, but that was after I had already told him that I was interested in becoming a pastor. So did he just say that to not discourage or make me angry?

In my opinion, I didn’t walk away truly feeling that he saw it in me. 

So do I just keep posting blogs about how I feel and read them each morning to encourage and learn to love myself?

It’s a journey, I tell you. I wasn’t expecting much going into today, but I was hoping that I would have more clarity heading into my campus visit of Fuller Seminary this Thursday. 

I want someone to truly tell me that Seminary is for me versus just walking in their by myself with no clue as to if I should apply or not. If this is the right school or not. If this is even for me or not. 

I really and truly care about the people in my church, volunteer pretty regularly and do my best to remember what people are going through both inside and outside of the church. 

But nothing.

I keep watching other people get jobs at my church, but not me. It is truly frustrating and very discouraging. 

I got off the phone with my mom recently and she really uplifted me. Of coarse she wants me to move back East closer to family, so we will see about that. My family I’m sure can see me as a pastor, but that’s family. They love and support me in almost anything I want to pursue.

I want an outside person to see how I conduct myself, see how I chase The Lord, see my faith and say, “That guy is meant to lead. That guy is meant to be a…”

So that’s where the story stops. At least for now. I have no father or grandfather in the church to guide me on this so I will just continue to read God’s Word a chapter a day like I’ve been doing. 

Holding on to God as my best friend to guide me through this. God is literally my everything at this point. He has been for a while. 

Today really hurt – I’m not going to lie. 

PRAYER

“What am I on this earth to do God? What did you create me for? I thank you in advance for showing me and answering my prayer. In Jesus name, Amen.”

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