I am trying to find her. Where is she?
I’ll be honest. I’m starting to be content with being single. I never thought I would say this because I was so codependent in my last relationship.
But I truly believe that reading a chapter of the Bible a day works.
Things have been revealed to me that I hadn’t realized prior to reading His Word daily, I haven’t looked at pornography in I don’t know how long, I am gaining a lot of wisdom and strength, and I am enjoying my singleness and getting closer to The Lord.
For a man who lives alone and who doesn’t work, that says A LOT!
I’m supposed to meet with my pastor at my church next week to see if ministry is for me. Plus I scheduled a campus tour of Fuller University next week as well to see if I like the school.
I am excited for both!
But that’s not what I am here to talk about today. I am here to talk about me always searching for her. Her being my wife.
Though I’m learning to be happy single and getting over my codependency…
Shout out to my dog, Elmira, real quick. Without her I wouldn’t have made it this far.
Okay, like I was saying. Though I’m learning to be happy single and getting over my codependency, I still desire to be married one day.
I hope to have kids, a wife and be the husband and father I didn’t get to see growing up.
So I’m always on the lookout for my future wife. “Is that her over there?!” or “Let me walk my dog over this way to see if this girl is the one.”
Trust me, I may sound like I’m a stage 11 creep, but best believe me I’m exaggerating some. Key word some. Haha.
It used to devastate me when I saw a pretty girl at the dog park and wouldn’t be able to talk to her because I was walking with someone else at the time or didn’t have the right words.
Me: “Does your dog normally poop this time of the day?”
Girl: “Um, bye!”
I just struggle with words and struggle with the ladies. I’m like a shy little kid living in a grown mans body. I think I said that before in another blog post.
So because I feel like a shy little kid, I’m always trying Extra hard to find the woman for me. Thinking that if I don’t try to approach women, nobody will ever come to me.
I don’t think it’s just lack of confidence – though I believe that has some to do with it – but rather the city I live in. The city moves in such a fast pace that the only people I sometimes feel I can have long conversations with are the homeless ones. They have no rush to be anywhere so they can talk for however long.
But the women or non-homeless persons on the other hand. That’s another story.
I don’t know who runs more at the dog park. My dog or me trying to chase after my future wife. Haha – just playing.
I thank God for my sense of humor with all the mental battles I go through. That is a HUGE gift God blessed me with. Even if I may seem corny or not funny to you, my jokes make me laugh. So I go to bed most nights with a smile on my face.
Man, my nickname should be “tangent.”
So yeah, it’s not fun always feeling like you have to hunt down your future wife. It hurts even more when a woman either says she’s married or has a boyfriend. I’m not trying to be a home wrecker here, so anything she says after that is like the teacher off of Charlie Brown.
*womp, womp, womp, womp, womp*
Just playingggg. I’m not hurt that badly by hearing they are taken, but it does sting some.
I mean will I ever find someone for me? I will continue to chase the Lord regardless, but how do you truly know? Do I have to do anything or will God bring her to me one day without me trying at all?
I don’t know how this works people. Two inspirational pastors of mine, Devon Franklin and Rick Warren stated that God spoke into either them or their wives that they were the one for them.
Maybe my mic isn’t on because I haven’t heard anything yet from God. Or maybe He has spoken, but I didn’t find the woman attractive that He said so I thought there was radio interference from hell.
Either way, I’ll just keep waiting.
I want to just be able to trust God, but it’s hard. How do you trust God when you haven’t truly trusted Him before?
This, I believe, is a first for me, so I’m scared. What if I put my trust in Him and she never shows up? Will it be because I showed up to the dog park too late or neglected to speak to that girl after church?
As you can see, I have questions for days. I’m nervous here. I don’t want to miss my opportunity.
Either way, I’m going to bed now. I’ll try to learn to just trust God in that He will bring me my main squeeze when we are both ready. Once I learn to trust God, I’ll for sure be happy because I won’t have to keep trying so hard to find the woman for me and these woman at the dog park can finally walk their dogs in peace knowing that the guy with the Shepherd isn’t coming after them for their phone number.
I’m only kidding.
“God, thank you for putting this on my heart and mind to share. Help me trust that if it is in your will for me to get married one day that you will bring me my wife on your timing. Help me stop trying to make it happen on my own. Help me give it to you and trust you Father. Help me and my future wife grow into who you want us to become before we meet. Help her be ready for my amazing sense of humor too. I thank you for this and I thank you for the blessing on the way. I will continue to worship you in the meantime and please bless anyone else in this situation. Help us trust you Father in all areas of our lives. Goodnight and we love you. In Jesus name, Amen.”