(Originally meant to post on Wednesday, May 17th)

Today I heard something. I heard something that I needed to hear.

It was a message from the Pastor Rick Warren & his wife Kay about their son who committed suicide.

Pastor Warren and his wife were doing their best to uplift the church and themselves through that tough time. I mean how do you move on from your child killing themself? That is truly devastating.

But what really stood out to me wasn’t the message that Pastor Rick and his wife preached; it was hearing about their son. Hearing about who their son was before he took his life.

Now I know I’m trying to post mostly uplifting things on my blog, but there is another side to me. Another side to me that I am very good at hiding. I may come off as friendly, kind, and witty if you meet me, but if you really look deep within my eyes and truly listen to me, I believe that you will see it. The mental pain and suffering I endure on a daily basis. A side to me you may have seen yourself if you truly read between the lines and feel what I’m writing in my blog posts.

My really bad twitch is clear indication to me that there is something wrong. Something wrong within my mind and it is taking form physically with this twitch I’ve had since I was a child.

I truly believe I have a mental illness just like Pastor Rick’s son. But I’ve kept it under wraps for many years because of the reason Pastor Rick made known.

There is a stigma in this world about having a mental illness.

I don’t know where exactly my mental illness came from. Maybe wishing to be like others, maybe not. But it’s there.

I’ve dislocated my shoulder multiple times, torn my ACL a bunch and even broken my nose and best believe me, they have all hurt badly. But none have hurt as badly as my mind.

I can’t show my mind to my doctor like I can my discolated shoulder, torn ACL or broken nose. All I can do is sit in a therapists office, read a bunch of self- help books and do my best to show him or her who I am and how I am suffering.

But what if you have a personality disorder and struggle showing others who you truly are? Or what if you have tremdeous fear of judgment from others, so you hide who you really are or what you are going through? Maybe you’ve wanted to kill someone before, sleep with a member of the same sex, sleep with a family member. I’m not saying this is what I think. But just imagine the fear that could go on in someone’s mind of having these thoughts, but being scared to express them.

The doctor just popped my shoulder back in, got me into physical therapy to heal my torn ACL and my nose healed on its own. But my mind. My mind is a whole other story.

How can you fix something you can’t see and often times doesn’t show itself in full?

You can probably tell that there is something off about me because my posts seem bipolar. One day I’m trying to uplift you or cracking jokes and the next day I’m down in the dumps. Often times repeating the same topic in a different blog post it feels.

It’s my freaking mind. It’s been this way for God knows how long and I don’t know how to shut it off!

Reading the Bible a chapter a day is doing something I didn’t expect. It is opening new doors everyday. With each new day and new chapter I read, there is a new revelation.

God reveals something to me that causes me Great pain, but also Great wisdom if I push through the pain.

Since forever I thought I was the only one battling these mental bouts. Wanting to end my life numerous times. Putting a knife to my throat, being tempted to turn my car into a guardrail on the freeway or jumping off the deck at my house. But I am always scared to take the plunge.

Today I wasn’t searching for it; it found me. I read my Bible in the morning and later got on YouTube. I came across a video Rick Warren posted about his son who committed suicide. I just happened to find out his son died and that Pastor Rick and his wife made a whole sermon about it, as well as interviews with the news.

Now keep in mind, I have been watching Rick Warren on YouTube for a while now because he is my favorite pastor. But today I stumbled across this video about his son (link below).

I don’t believe I came across it by accident. I believe that God led me to it.

Rick described his son as a man who was very caring towards others. His son, Rick said, could walk into a room and know exactly who was hurting and wanted to help them. A man who would spend hours just talking to a person because he truly cared for them. Just an overall nice guy it seemed. Now I’m not trying to toot my own horn, but that described me to the T.

I almost got yelled at by my managers when I worked at Apple because I would help my customers for too long they said. But I genuinely cared for them.

But just like Pastor Rick’s son, there is a darker side. A side where it feels like God gave Satan the keys to my mind. Like God is allowing Satan to torment me in every area of my mind and my life. Anything I try seems to fail and it doesn’t just hurt, it is devastating.

You feel crushed and unmotivated to move on.

It’s like a UFC fighter is hitting me from all angles; taking out my shoulder, then my knees, then my nose and most especially coming for my mind. I can’t see him or make him stop. I just keep taking blow after blow after blow. Hoping that one day God will step in and stop the abuse.

The breaks you get in the fight are either when you are asleep or engaged in sin.

It’s not a fun way to live. The worst part is nobody truly knows you are going through it but you. That, to me, is the scariest part. Feeling alone and helpless in the battle of your mind.

Holding on to hope that this will one day stop. That’s literally all you’ve got.

Hope.

For me mentally, I feel other people’s energy as I walk down the street. I am scared to read emails or texts from others in full; often times not responding at all. I feel as if certain people are judging me or don’t like me as soon as I walk in a room and it hurts so badly. It gives me tremendous anxiety. I am always worrying if people like me for me. I get extreme anxiety and fear before I leave my house. I get overwhelmed just answering a phone call. The list goes on and on and I am just breaking the surface here.

It’s like all your insecurities, pains, and hurts come rushing to the forefront of your brain as soon as you wake up. The Devil is there to wake you up and remind you that he’s back. Back to greet you every morning and remind you that he has control today. He has control everyday; whether you like it or not. He has control over your mind and there is nothing you can do about it.

In a way, I was happy to see that I finally wasn’t alone in hearing about Rick’s son. I wish I could have met him before he died though. But I don’t even know if we would have connected like that though I feel we are a lot alike. I feel that way because I believe we both suffer or suffered from personality disorders, so we might not of truly been ourselves around each other.

Scary thought. 

So closely connected, but most likely wouldn’t even have realized it.

I want to overcome this mental illness or battle I’ve been going through for years. I just need to know how. I don’t want to kill myself.

Though I’ve thought about killing myself multiple times, I don’t want to. There has to be another way out of this.

His sons story gave me peace though knowing I wasn’t alone. But it also gave me confusion. Pastor Rick’s son saught therapy, medicine, prayer from his family and nothing. I’ve done the same. And you would think God would answer Pastor Rick and his families prayers because of how committed to The Lord they seem to be.

Is it my destiny to kill myself too then God?

Pastor Rick’s son was 27 years old when he took his life and I am 27 as well. Now that may mean nothing, but I just thought that was interesting. That all my issues truly take a head at the same age he was, though we both struggled with them for years. I just pray that my destiny isn’t the same. Though I truly feel bad and pray for the Warren family.

I thank God for the Warren family and their strength, openness, and dedication to The Lord! It is truly inspiring and his messages have helped me more than he will ever know.

On this side of life that is. Maybe he will see how much they truly meant to me when we meet in heaven someday.

I do thank God for Him revealing to me to read His Word a chapter a day because I am pretty sure that I would have ended my life long ago if He hadn’t spoken that to me. I was in SO much mental pain at the time. I still remember it today because it was extremely bad.

The billion dollar question though is will I ever truly get better by reading His Word a chapter a day or is it just to hold me over till I die? Because this mental illness I have is lifelong? Where did this mental illness even come from?

I’m very confused.

I went off (but in a nice way) on a church member tonight about how our church needs to have small groups for mental illnesses. As many Skitsofrantic people I’ve seen in San Francisco, we for sure need it. Those Skitsofrantic people on the street are strong enough to externally show that they are struggling with mental illness or have no choice because they don’t have any meds. Either way, just imagine how many people are struggling just like them but keeping it in.

In fear of judgement, being made fun of or looked down upon. Maybe, like me, not believing there is a cure. So turning to alcohol, illegal drugs and other means to self mediate instead. Or therapy, legal drugs and self-help books like me. Maybe some don’t even realize they have a problem or are in denial.

Pastor Rick and his wife were sitting in an interview after their sons death and Pastor Rick said something that really resignated with me. Something that’s true for me, but something I never realized. Pastor Rick said that his son said to him:

“Dad, I can help a lot of other people. I just can’t get it to work for me.”

I’ve oftentimes spent hours with a family member on the phone or in person or speaking to someone at work or just out and about and I feel so depleted afterwards. There are times where I can leave a great conversation and want to end my life moments later. Because the mental torment comes back and I don’t know how to give myself the peace that I just gave the other person I was helping.

I know that I need to focus on helping myself first before I help others, but how? I kid you not – my mind is on another level of crazy and there is no “Off” button.

PRAYER

“I’ll keep reading your Word a chapter a day God. Thank you for revealing that to me. Thank you God for Pastor Rick Warren and his wife. Bless them. If anyone else is battling like me or Pastor Rick’s son, please give them the strength to get in your Word a chapter a day too. Please help us all. Please remove the stigma in this world of mental illness. So many people I believe are suffering and need you Lord. Need you badly. We love you and thank you Father. Thank you for your Son Jesus Christ. Thank you also for putting this on my heart and mind to share. In Jesus name, Amen.”

Here is the sermon I was referring to by the way- by Rick and Kay Warren. It is an Amazing message and I would highly recommend listening to it all. Though it’s long, it’s well worth it! In my opinion at least.

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