Inside I want to do right, but it’s hard. My heart desires to be a nice, loving and caring individual but then the other side of me comes out.
The side of me that clashes with my heart.
My emotions. Especially the not-so-pleasant ones like anger.
I truly believe that God is healing me in many areas on my life right now. But I have to let them out first. I am doing my best to let out each area of my life in which I struggle with on this blog.
So my heart. My heart and my unpleasant emotions are duking (fighting) it out right now and so far, the negative emotions are winning.
I want to love my dog and give her my heart, but my negative emotions keep getting in the way.
“Leave me alone!” or “I don’t want to be bothered” are a few feelings I have for her throughout my day.
After almost yelling at her sometimes for following me all around the house, I feel bad. My heart takes over and I feel guilty. Because deep down I know it’s not her fault. But in my head, her following me triggers memories of my past – unpleasant ones – so I go off on her.
I don’t beat her or anything. But I put her in her crate or downstairs. Just so that I can get some mental space.
I honestly just crave being alone sometimes. Because when I’m alone, nobody can leave me. Nobody can stop loving me too. It’s just me and I don’t have to be who the other person wants me to be to receive love or fear anyone leaving me.
Now I know my dog is Extra clingy, but I believe that my frustration with her takes root somewhere deep inside of me. Yes, her following me around is annoying, but it shouldn’t bother me this much.
Why does it bother me this much God?
Did someone do or say something to me in the past that makes me like this? It’s not just with Elmira, but with people too. If you show extreme signs of love or attachment to me, I do my best to push you away. Like I did my ex.
Maybe it’s because I don’t feel worthy of love like I mentioned before. Or that I don’t feel like their love is genuine or unconditional. Also, maybe it’s because I anticipate you leaving me like everyone else did. So I push you away before you leave me.
It’s bad. I know.
I will keep reading my Bible a chapter a day and hope God reveals the answer to me. But letting this out is important. Very important, I believe.
I’m tired of being mad at my dog or loved ones. My negative emotions keep getting in the way of my heart. I know this isn’t me. I know that I am better than this.
This way that I’m living is not fun. I’m sure I’d be married now, maybe have some kids and a stable career if I didn’t struggle with giving and receiving love. If I didn’t struggle with abandonment issues.
But that’s my life. I didn’t choose it – it was given to me. All I can do now is lean on God and hope that He helps me find a way out.
Though I may sound depressed in some of my blog posts, I’m not. There is a Great sense of peace in just letting it out. Not holding it in and letting it boil up. Also, maybe someone else can relate to what I am going through.
Either way, I want my heart to take over and have dominance. No longer my negative emotions.
I believe that God placed Elmira in my life for many reasons. One being her attachment to me. One day, when I don’t respond with extreme anger, but rather kindness and gentleness in wanting to train her to overcome her fear and attachment, I’ll know I’ve grown. Grown in learning how to both receive and give love. So God knew what He was doing when He gave me Elmira that day and not any of the other many dogs at the SPCA.
Thank you God. Please help me grow and get better. Thank you for Elmira.
In Jesus name, Amen.