Point blank – you want to feel special Ibsaa.
You want to be unconditionally loved. So you test people. You push people away by yelling at them; whether they be family or friends, threatening to break up with them or even breaking up with them. You are testing them.
“Does this person truly love me?” or “Do they only love me when I’m happy and nice to them?”
“Is their love unconditional like I desire it to be?”
So I test them.
In my head, I have been thinking a lot about my dad lately. Not my step-father or grandfather, but my biological father. I really and truly believe that I had something to do with him leaving. I mean I had to for him not to care to find me after all these years.
I believe that my dad and I were extremely close before he left. Why would he just abandon me like that?
So because of that, I’ve been going around life thinking that something is wrong with me. That even in my closest relationships, I have a chance of losing that person. This could be close friends, family and even my dog.
Can you believe that?! I am scared of my own dog leaving me. That’s crazy!!!
I’ve been tempted to take my dog back to the shelter just to see if she would escape the shelter and run back to me. Because I want to feel special.
Though that would most likely never happen as I doubt my dog would be able to escape the shelter and all the staff, that’s what I want. I want to know that there is something special and unique about me that nobody else in the world has. Not now, not before, NOT EVER!
That though I may not be the tallest guy or most handsome or smartest, that someone will never stop loving me. No matter what.
I want to feel special to someone.
To be completely honest, I don’t even feel that in my own family. My younger brother always seemed more liked than me.
It was tough to write that past blog post about reading a chapter of the Bible a day. Yes, it’s an Amazing thing to do. But it was something special God specifically told me to do years ago. It was bittersweet telling you all that.
It’s what made me believe I was special to God. I mean I had heard His Mighty voice one day in St. Thomas tell me to read His Word, a chapter a day. But I felt compelled to share that with you and want others to build a relationship with God too.
“So what makes me so special now, God?”
Yes, I know my life experiences are different from others, but nobody seems to care. I’m always trying to show off where I’ve lived or where I live now just to feel special. I remember kids in high school who had these HUGE houses and everyone loved them. They were so popular. They seemed special.
I’ve never found anything special and unique about me besides my upbringing. I hold on to my upbringing as tightly as I can because I believe that’s all I’ve got.
That’s what makes me special.
The fact that I’ve lived in St. Thomas, Florida, Boston, Washington, DC and went to school with Kevin Durant. And almost dated supermodel Hannah Davis. I hold on to all of that. Until people don’t seem to care or someone seems to have had a better uprbinging than me.
Than I’m crushed.
That’s why I love this blog and God giving me a desire to write, because it gives me an opportunity to share my life story. What I believe makes me feel special and unique. I’ll be honest – I rarely read others blog posts. It’s not that I don’t like them; it’s more that I might be devastated if other people like their content and their story over mine.
So no hard feelings. I will overcome this one day and start reading others blogs more often.
Right now, I spend more time than I should on YouTube. Watching other people’s lives who seem to have it all. Watching how many people subscribe to their channel or chase after them for a photo or beg for them to come back when they leave YouTube for a while. Watching what makes them special and unique. Casey Neistat is one of them. He seems untouchable and in a class of his own.
I really need to stop watching them so much. I know it’s not good for me to live vicariously through them or envy them this much.
But I just want to feel special on this earth. Just to one person at least.
Find one person who God told that I’m the person for them. Whether it be a close guy friend or a future wife. That they don’t want any other friend or husband because I’m the one God specifically chose for them.
I came from a men’s group at my church this morning and I sometimes am envious of other peoples relationships within the group.
“Why did that guy get invited to the gym and not me?” or “Why did he befriend him over me? I’ve known him longer than this new guy.”
All those thoughts roll through my brain. Wanting to feel special to someone.
I sound like a child. It’s embarrassing.
So I continue to push people away who do come into my life. If they stick around after I yell, scream and push them around (not physically) then I feel as though I’m special.
My ex had said God told her to reach out to me when we were working together. You have no idea how special that made me feel. But for her to be gone now, it hurts not because she’s gone, but the feeling that God didn’t see me as special anymore and told her to leave me.
That stings to the core!
Would God do something like that? Why would God tell a person to come into my life then have her leave knowing I have abandonment issues? God knew who I was before He introduced her to me. God knew what I was battling with before He told her to enter my life. Is God playing games with me or something?
I am so confused and frustrated.
This one girl has been talking to me lately, but I just can’t muster up the strength to keep the conversation going. Even though she’s Christian, funny and doesn’t live far from me, it’s tough. In my head, if God could make me believe I was special to my ex than take her away, why wouldn’t He do it again with this new girl?
I know that I said I am ready to move on from my ex, which I am. But the thoughts of her moving on to someone else make me not feel special. Like I’ll never be special to anyone. I don’t know if she has or hasn’t, but still.
I know what most of you are thinking, “Ibsaa, you are special and unique to God.”
I know that, but so are you.
When you are born, you have a family of your own that loves you in a special way. In a way they wouldn’t love your neighbors kids.
I want that. I want to feel like God loves me in a special way, apart from anyone else. I crave it from God more than I do a person because people can leave me.
One day if I get married, my wife may die before me and if I rely on her solely to feel special then I’ll truly be devastated when she passes away.
You don’t have to like or comment on this blog post. These thoughts were bouncing around in my head for a while now and I just had to let them out. If not for anyone else – for me.
“God, I don’t know how but can you show me that I am special to you apart from everyone else? Please Lord. Thank you. In Jesus name, Amen.”