It’s time. I feel it.
I need to.
It’s time to give up hope that my ex will reach back out and beg for big daddy back. I’m content with moving on now.
Her leaving wasn’t as devastating as I envisioned it to be. Because I was so codependent, I felt like nobody would ever truly love me again after she left.
You see there’s a HUGE difference between a woman finding me attractive and a woman dating or even marrying me. I’ve been called cute, handsome and a Greek god before.
Ok – no Greek god. But I’ve been noticed before by females. Both now as an adult and when I was younger. More when I was younger (have to be honest).
So getting a woman to find me attractive isn’t what I’m concerned about. It’s finding a woman who will take me for ALL that I am, both inside and out.
After my last relationship, I felt to blame for EVERYTHING that seemed to go wrong. Every therapist or pastor we would see would say, “Ibsaa, you need to work on this” or “Ibsaa, you need to work on that.”
I always felt that it was something I had to work on and never my girlfriend. Like she was Jesus’ daughter and I was Satan’s best friend.
I could never do right it felt like.
That made me believe that everything was always my fault. That my dad leaving was my fault, that my step-father leaving was my fault, that the Jackson 5 splitting up was my fault and that all the bad days in my relationship with my ex were my fault too.
Well, I’m done thinking like that. If she’s moved on, fine. I’ll learn to live with it.
I am worthy of love, dangit! This past two months or so we’ve been broken up have showed me just how strong, compassionate, caring, thoughtful and how much of a devout Christian I am.
God and I have grown a lot closer during this time. The amount of wisdom He has bestowed upon me, I wouldn’t trade for the world!
I thank God for time and my dog. Time has showed me that I can survive without her. I’ve lost some weight since we broke up, learned to cook, been blogging more consistently, in my Bible everyday and still active volunteering at church.
If anything, I grew 10X more since she left. Would you look at that?!
My dog, Elmira, has been a tremendous help too. Getting me out of the house everyday is a Huge piece of the puzzle in obtaining healing and moving on from a bad breakup. The fresh air, new and engaging conversations I have with people at the dog park, and just overall joy I feel in my heart when I see her playing with another dog or running into the water at the beach can’t be beat.
In those moments, I’m not stressing about calling my girlfriend like I used to or thinking about an argument we had the night before. I’m just enjoying meeting new people and seeing my dog have fun.
So, all in all, it’s been a blessing being single this past month or two.
It’s crazy because before writing this blog post I didn’t even realize half of what I wrote here. It’s Amazing how God has truly been revealing things to me as I write. It’s like He takes over my thoughts once I start.
And I thought God hated me most of my relationship with my ex. I thought that He only loved her because she was “perfect” it seemed in everyone’s eyes.
So yeah, my ex is free to go and be with someone else now. She might be already for all I know. It’s cool though. I’ll just cue up my favorite song by Beyoncé “Me, Myself and I” until the right one comes along.
In all honestly, in these past two months or so since my ex and I have been done, I’ve realized more of what I want in a wife. Actually it’s only one thing that I want in my future partner.
I want a wife who will allow me to live out the will God has for my life. Live out my will in full. And vice versa. I want to allow my wife to live out the will God has for her in full too.
That’s all. That’s it.
She doesn’t have to be super thick like a Drake video girl as I had wanted in the past.
RIP. Dang it!
But nah, just someone who will allow me to live out my will for my life and someone who I will allow to live out their will for their life.
The will God has for both of our lives.
So yeah God, whenever you feel the time is right.
Ladieeeeez, just letting you know I am a caring, sensitive guy. I’ve cried multiple times watching the movie “Pursuit of Happyness.” I listen, crack a lot of jokes as you can see by my blog (some cornier than others), love the Lord and honestly just want to please God with my life.
We only get one here on earth, so why not?
I do come with some “baggage” though, but we won’t talk about that. God is still working on me.
Haha, but nah. I’m content on just chasing the Lord until that woman comes into my life – no rush. I’ve been doing that since my ex and I broke up anyways.
I still have to learn to truly love myself, check with the leaders of the church to see if ministry is truly my calling in life and iron out some areas if I truly want to have all the qualities of The Fruit of the Spirit as we can see in Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV).
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
My dog stays testing my self-control and gentleness. She broke through a metal cage today while I was out without even opening a door on the cage. Is this an angel dog or something?
She got all in my dirty underwear too. Talk about a sh*t show!
Just playing. My undies aren’t that dirty now!
But anyways, that’s me and that’s how I’m feeling now. It hit me on the car ride home today from the dog park. It’s time to stop holding back from talking to other women and move on. Let go of the hope of me and her getting back together. If her and I are truly meant to be, it will happen they say. But I’m not just going to sit here and wait. As there is a chance we don’t get back together too.
And from what you all read here today, I’ve grown A LOT these past two months or so. So maybe being single isn’t that bad.
I can’t be dependent on someone loving me to love myself forever. I have to learn to love myself all by myself!
“Say it again class!”
ALL. BY. MY. SELF.
1 Corinthians 7:32-35 (NIV) we about to be extra close!
32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.