Wishing to be like others became apart of me.
It really did. Whether I wanted it to be apart of me or not.
So it started out me making the decision myself to wish to be like others. I would go to school and be like, “I wish I were hard today” or “I wish I were like LeBron James today.” Always wishing to be like someone else because I didn’t feel good enough in my own skin.
Wishing to be like others became more than just an addiction; it became my survival method. I couldn’t live without it. In my head, I needed to wish to be like others to survive. If I didn’t I would be bullied, picked on and just not liked by others. I had to survive through middle school somehow. Because being Ibsaa just wasn’t good enough.
My wishes lasted only but so long before I had to wish to be like someone else. And I couldn’t wish the same wish twice. So I could only wish to be like LeBron James once and never again. It truly was like a drug to me. I honestly don’t know how it worked to this day. I truly felt different inside just wishing to be like others.
It was like I had a superpower.
But anyways, as I got older I realized wishing to be like others wasn’t fun anymore and I needed to find myself. It was time to figure out what college I would be going to, what I would major in and what career I would pursue. I was lost.
I had no clue who I was or what I wanted to do with my life.
But what was even worse was that I was still wishing to be like others though I conciously had stopped before entering high school, I believe. In high school, college and even still today I wish to be like others. Subconsciously that is.
You see wishing to be like others became apart of me as I was growing up. It became my survival method so I needed it. I did it so often as a child, it adapted into who I was as a human being. I woke up, brushed my teeth, took a shower, got dressed, ate breakfast and wished to be like someone else. It became routine to me.
Then I get older, realized it wasn’t the right way to live as my brain was going haywire after wishing to be like so many people. I was ready to short circuit before God came in and saved the day by speaking to me and telling me to read a chapter of the Bible a day. There was no way I could have stopped this beast I had created on my own. No therapist, medicinal marijuana, all-inclusive vacation (though the Bahamas would have been nice), self-help book or anything would stop or destroy what I had created.
I needed God and God only. And He came through BIG TIME and just when I needed it most!
Conciously I had stopped saying, “I wish to be like LeBron James” or “I wish to be tough,” but subconsciously I was still doing it. Crazy right?!
I did it and wasn’t even aware of it. That’s what’s so bizarre to me!
I remember I watched the movie “Get Out” recently and when I left the movie theater I was walking through the mall as if I was the main character from the movie. I was trying to act like him, walk like him, be him. I wasn’t conciously trying to do this; my subconscious had taken over. My subconscious most likely liked the hero they saw in the main character, felt that they would be a strong character to play in real life and became that. Seeing that not only was the main character a hero, he was well liked in the movie as well. Fortunately, this time I was conciously aware of it.
Aware because I had been seeing my therapist at that time and we were bringing up issues of my past. So I was more aware of my emotions and feelings working with her.
That was a crazy revelation to me though!
How many other times have I been with friends or family and conformed to be just like them or someone else subconsciously to be accepted and liked by them?
I believe I did it and still sometimes do it for two reasons. Survival and out of fear.
My inner child is living in fear of coming out into the real world and showing who he truly is. He keeps hiding behind strong, well-liked people of this world, fearing that others won’t receive him, bully him and not accept him like life was like for him prior to wishing to be like others. Thus making him continue to subconsciously wish to be like other people who the world seems to like and respect to survive.
A book I read recently said that humans want to be accepted for who they are. My therapist said humans want to be apart of “the tribe” being their peers and this world.
I believe both of those to be true because it’s not fun feeling alone and isolated with nobody by your side to accept and love you for you. So, in many cases you do what you have to do to survive. For me, that was wishing to be like others.
But now it’s time I stop this wishing, both conciously and subconsciously. It’s time to embrace me. The me God created me to be. Fight off the fears holding me back from stepping out into the light and trust that God will be their to guide, shield and carry me through.
It’s time Ibsaa.
Stop wishing to be like others and start living life as you. The you you were made to be. Starting right now.
“God, thank you for putting this on my heart and mind to share. I hope that you can stop all the forces within me that are trying to wish to be like others. Both concisouly and subconsciously. It’s not fun anymore God and I am sorry that I did it in the first place. Please forgive me. Please give me the strength to never wish to be like anyone else again. Show me that I am strong enough, well liked, respected and loved by you if not anyone else. Help me embrace fully who you created me to be. Help me be self-aware. If anyone else is struggling with this as well, please give them the strength to push through and find themselves too. Not wishing or desiring to be like others ever again. If anyone is thinking of doing so, please help them stop and seek you. We love you and thank you Lord. We couldn’t do it without you. In Jesus name, Amen.”