“Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News. They don’t understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God.”

– 2 Corinthians 4:4 (New Living Translation)

I finally figured it out. I finally figured out why it’s so hard to read the Bible. I finally figured out why it’s so hard to pray or go to church consistently. I finally figured of why I seem to know of God, but don’t know God.

It’s because of 2 Corinthians 4:4.

Little did I know the true impact of what I did as a child. I just wanted to be liked and accepted by my peers at school and step-father at home. I didn’t know that I would be turning from God and turning to the devil.

If I had known that, then…Hmm, would I still have chosen to wish to be like others? I don’t know. That was a dark time in my life, so it’s hard to say.

Plus, I don’t know if I knew the extent of God’s power back then. I don’t know if I knew that He could help me get out of my situation back then. Maybe I did know; maybe I didn’t. Anyway, that moment has passed.

But what hasn’t passed is my worshipping of the wrong god. By wishing to be like everyone under the sun (not literally, but you know what I mean), but myself, I was opening the door to welcoming the enemy into my life – the devil.

I mean 2 Corinthians 4:4 does say that he is “the god of this world” and I did my best to become of this world back then.

Oops!

Well at least now I know. Now I know why my whole life since wishing to be like others has felt like hell. Everyday feels like I’m being condemned by the devil for every little thing verses convicted by God. Because the devil became my god. The devil also saw that God wanted me back and wasn’t happy about that.

The devil wanted to hold on to me, but God had other plans.

Though I wished to be like others in my younger years, my relationship with God was Very strong before that. Like I mentioned in a previous blog post – I used to pray these repeated long prayers almost every night. I enjoyed it so much too.

So though I went off and wished to be like others, that relationship with God was still buried within me and wanted to come back out. That’s why I believe there was so much mental pain going on in my life as I hit high school. I was trying to find myself and no longer be a slave and worshiper of the enemy any longer.

God saw that and gave me a lifeline by informing me to read His Word a chapter a day. God wanted to bring the Ibsaa He knew as a young child back. The Ibsaa who would pray to Him almost every night with sincere, heartfelt prayers. Prayers I am sure He loved and appreciated. Prayers I miss praying to this day.

God missed the relationship we once had. He knows my “relationship” now isn’t half of what it used to be, but it’s getting there. I just have to take it a day at a time.

I’m learning a lot along the way though, as you can see from my previous blog posts.

In the end, I do believe that God cares more about renewing my mind through this process. Knowing that, yes the devil did become my God by me wishing to be like people of this world. But by turning back to God, there is a lot of wisdom and understanding to gain in this journey back to Him. And as we can see in Proverbs 16:16 (NIV), wisdom and understanding or insight weigh far more than gold and silver to God.

“How much better to get wisdom than gold, to get insight rather than silver!”

So it will be a process – I know.

It already has been. But by waking up each day and opening God’s Word, reading a chapter of the Bible a day as He instructed me to do, I am learning and growing a lot. My relationship with Him is getting stronger too. Stronger, I believe, than it used to be. Before I wished to be like others, that is.

Though I haven’t made it back yet to truly loving and knowing Him as I still feel the devil has a firm grasp on me. I know the devils grasp is loosening and I will be back close to God again soon.

Feeling Him again when I pray at night and wanting to pray for hours like I did as a child. Looking forward to praying. Enjoying being in His presence again.

Oh what a day that will be. What a glorious day!

The devil, you’ve had your time with me. I’m done with you! Wishing to be like others was a mistake. I learned a lot through it, but had I known I would be giving up my relationship with God and turning to you instead, I wouldn’t have done it. If that meant the bullies or my step-father would have beat me to death, I would have taken it.

Because 2 Corinthians 4:17 (NIV) says,


“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”

Those pains and troubles would only have been temporary. But my relationship with God is Forever (Psalm 23:6) and I would have been content on leaving this earth early with my relationship with God in tact. Knowing that I would spend the rest of my days with God in peace, happiness and love. Much different than what I was experiencing in the world as a child.

Though I didn’t go that route, I am not mad. Because I’ve realized my wrongs and am revealing it to you and me today.

It’s my testimony.

Hopefully my story will help someone else. It has helped me, that’s for sure. Just writing it out gives me peace, joy and healing.

Thank you Lord for that.

Anything to advance the Kingdom. But all in all, I rest easy at night knowing that through all of this God is renewing my mind. Yes, I conformed to the world years ago, but what does Romans 12:2 (NIV) say:

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

PRAYER

God, thank you for revealing this to me today. I am sorry for turning my worship from you to the devil. I truly apologize for that mistake Father. That is by far the worst mistake anyone can ever make. Please help me NEVER do that again and please help others who may be thinking of doing the same or already have done it, to turn away. To turn to you to give them strength. Thank you for putting this on my mind and heart to share. I am sorry God. Please let me have a relationship with you again God. I miss you and I’m sure you miss me too. Help me live out your will for my life. In Jesus name, Amen.”

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