Because I don’t feel God. I’ll just get straight to the point.

I did as a child. At least I believe so, but not so much now. What did I do to make Him so distant from me?

Does He hate me? Is He mad about something I did? Is He like all the other men in my life and just doesn’t like me for who I am? What is it?

I need to know. 

I can’t keep going. I can’t keep pushing and trying for God. Trying for a God that I once felt and loved A LOT, but now struggle to love and can’t seem to find. It’s getting harder and harder each day. I keep asking questions like “does God even care?” or “where is God?”

I do all these things for Him, but suffering is always there. Not just from external factors like bills, people or work but the real suffering comes from not feeling God or knowing if He is there or not. If He truly loves me.

I need you God. I don’t just want you – I need you. You’ve seen my life. You’ve seen my family. You’ve seen my uprbinging. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you allowing me to go through so much pain and feel so alone and misunderstood? Knowing that the main cure to my pain is just knowing that you are there and that you care about me. That you love me.

Should I just believe you love me because I have many blessings in my life? Is that how I know you love me, God? Because I have a car and a home I don’t have to worry about paying for? Is that indication that you love me?

If so, then I will shut up.

But I wanted, I mean want, to know inside that you love me. That if my grandmother takes away this house and my car and if my ex moves on to another guy, that you love me God. That I won’t be alone and without because I have you by my side forever. Loving and caring for me. Because if I lose all of those things, in my head, I’ve lost love.

As that is what I know love to be. Things and people.

Now I know people reading this may be like, God loves everyone, it’s in the Bible. Well I have my own mind and my own reasons for not being sure about that. I am tired of feeling like I have to shut down my feelings and emotions because the Bible or people say otherwise.

Let me feel! Let me express myself!

I’m not looking for sympathy; I just want to express my feelings freely. I hate when people try to stop me short every time I have a feeling that they may not agree with or understand. I am tired of that and am going to express myself and my feelings whether you like it or not!

My feelings right now are of anger and fear. God, where are you? Show yourself. You see all that I’ve been doing for you, my family and others for years, but you continue to hide your face. If you don’t come out at least tell me why. So that I stop searching for Someone who doesn’t care to be found.

You see everything that goes on in the darkness and light that I’ve done for you and nothing. I have good days, don’t get me wrong, but I haven’t felt you since I was a young child. What did I do God? That’s all I want to know.

What did I do to make you hide your face from me? Please tell me. I can’t go on anymore unless I know you are there.

In Jesus name, Amen.