Like for real!

This lady just left my house who came to help me train my dog and MAN!

She was good, but I’m ready for a nap now. Having a dog by yourself is not easy. Having a dog by yourself with separation anxiety and fear is a whole other story.

I don’t know if I can continue on like this by myself. I mean just leaving to go to the grocery store for an hour gives me tremendous anxiety.

It doesn’t help that I already have and still have anxiety and fear myself. Why would God give me a dog with the same issues as I have? It’s makes no sense….or does it?

Did God give me this specific dog for a reason? If so, I need to know why because I am tired. Tired of being followed, tired of having to rearrange my whole house before I leave her alone and tired of her ramping up my own anxiety.

She’s already destroyed my dryer, took down a plant I had in my house and ripped off a door knob within the two plus months I’ve had her. Mind you, she is only 1 years old and a puppy, but still. I have a fear of being kicked out of this home by my grandmother and her destroying the place doesn’t help.

I miss my life before her when I could freely shop or travel without thinking twice. She has got me out of the house more and speaking to people more as well, which I have to be thankful for. But this anxiety I am feeling is BAD.

The comfort she provides is great as well.

But I need a break.

She refuses to go to doggy daycare down the street and howls when I leave her in the garage. What do you want me to do with her God?

This behavioral therapist that just left gave me so much paperwork to read, she could see how overwhelmed I looked as she was talking with me. I don’t know what it is, but even before getting Elmira (my dog), I would get overwhelmed very easily.

“Ibsaa, can you run down to my property and deliver these papers?” or “Ibsaa, can you call so and so?” The smallest things make me overwhelmed and want to just run to my bed, curl up and go to sleep. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been this way for the longest.

I lash out sometimes when I feel multiple people are asking me to do something at once and it could only be two people asking me to do small, minor things. My brain goes into overload and I have to escape. That, I believe, is one of the reasons I struggle to keep a job. Especially at Apple – man!

But now, having Elmira, my feelings of overwhelmingness have skyrocketed! When I wake up, I’m overwhelmed that it’s me – just me- who has to feed her, take her out for a walk, keep her safe, pick up her poop and train her. Some mornings I try to stay in bed as long as I can before I feel like it’s absolutely necessary to get up and take care of her.

It’s never later than 10 am people, so no need to call animal services on me.

But yeah – I’m just overwhelmed and want a break. I want to sleep in and workout on my time. Not feel rushed to because I have to take my dog for a walk right after.

In a way, it’s good to get the workouts done earlier, but I feel like she controls me.

I hate that!

I actually miss being depressed by myself sometimes as much as I enjoy having Elmira. No one to need me and bring out all of my insecurities when I’m at home.

Everything that Elmira does and makes me feel correlates to humans. I feel like people control me, make me feel overwhelmed at times and give me anxiety. I just need to know that if God did put Elmira in my life to get over those “issues” of mine, how do I go about that?

My patience is wearing out and every bit of advice I hear goes in one ear and out the other for the most part. I’ve been leaning on Hebrews 13:5-6 lately and just because of one verse in it. And that is “The Lord is my helper.”

I do believe Jesus has helped me hold on to this dog for over two months now and not take her back to the shelter like I’ve wanted to do since I adopted her. I didn’t realize what I was signing up for and how much work dogs are. Especially dogs with “baggage” from the shelter.

I know I have “baggage” too, but dang! Why didn’t God give me the dog with no “issues?”

When does having a dog get fun and not feel like work?

Not having anyone to help me through this day in and day out just makes me want to fall over and collapse sometimes. Just give up and throw in the towel.

“God, what do you want to teach me with Elmira? What do you want to show me? I can’t do this alone. I need your help Jesus. I need you badly. I so want to just take her back to the shelter where I got her, but it’s hard. She’s help me grow a lot, I know that. But I’m struggling to keep pushing forward by myself. What do I do now? Please help me Lord. Thank you and Elmira for all the help you’ve given me so far. But I’m overwhelmed, anxious and fearful. Elmira and I both are. Please help us Father. Please show us why you brought us together. In Jesus name, Amen.”