If you want to know where my confidence comes from, it’s found in the opposite sex. Women.
Women give me confidence. Not just any women though – only women who like me.
I know, hear we go again, but I have to say it. Growing up I lost a sense of self by wishing to be like others. But there was one thing I didn’t lose. My looks. My God-given looks. You could change my inside, but you couldn’t touch my outside when it came to my looks.
“Thank you God for that!”
My looks saved me. Literally.
I thought about taking my own life multiple times, but sometimes just knowing that I could get a girlfriend to give me this false sense of love through sex like I talked about in my previous blog post, gave me hope and encouragement to keep pressing on.
To keep pressing on though the mental torment of not knowing who I was only got worse and worse as I got older.
Yeah, I may have had no clue who I was or what I actually liked throughout middle and high school, but if one thing was for sure – girls seemed to like me.
Fun Fact: Hannah Davis, who is now Derek Jeter’s wife, asked me out back in high school. We went to the same high school in St.Thomas, US Virgin Islands. I turned her down though because I had a girlfriend at the time. Look at me. What a good guy, huh? I may not have turned out to be a star athlete making millions like Derek Jeter, but I’m a true man after God’s heart if that counts for anything.
I heard all types of things from girls growing up though.
“Oh, he’s cute” or “you’re so handsome” or “Jean Claude Van Damn you fine!!”
Haha, I’m kidding on the last one. No one has ever said that to me….yet.
But yeah, looks was all I had and still believe to have to this day. Heck, if someone rings my doorbell, I have to check the mirror first to make sure I look alright, cover my feet (embarrassed about 1 toe – don’t judge me) and throw on a nice getup before I answer. It’s bad.
I crave attention from women when I go out on walks with my dog or just go out period. I want a woman to glance at me, say I’m cute, anything. Anything to give me a boost of confidence because I am struggling.
Struggling to keep pressing on.
I’ve been doing my best to work on me and find myself, but it’s hard. Even though I volunteer at church, read my Bible everyday, go to different church groups and have seen multiple therapists and read a few self-help books, it’s still hard.
Even harder when you are single and lost an outside person, other than family, to give you that encouragement. I used to ask my ex multiple times what she liked or loved about me just to see if there was anything about me that stood out to her other than my looks. Other than all I believed to be good for.
She hated that I asked her that so much and didn’t understand why. She thought I should just know she loved me and that I shouldn’t have to ask. Well if she ever reads my blogs, now she will know why I asked so many times.
On my journey now trying to find myself after all that mess of trying to wish to be like others for I don’t know how long, I hold tightly to my looks. More tightly than anything else, I believe. Maybe more so than God. I don’t know.
I don’t spend that long getting ready in the morning, but I do look in the mirror A LOT. Reminding myself, more internally than externally, that I look good so today should be a good day. Women should look in my direction and maybe even give me some attention today. The men in my church group should want to hang out and talk with me more because I look good today. I know it sounds crazy, but that’s how I think.
I don’t just want it attention for my looks. I need it. Heck, I CRAVE IT!
I need to feel wanted and unique. And right now, and for a long time now my looks have been all I’ve got.
Recently I’ve been battling with thoughts that there is always someone out there smarter than me, or taller than me, or better skilled at something I’ve been good at. It bothers me too because I know there are many men out there more handsome than I am.
Which is why I am really trying to find myself now. Because women rarely glance at me like they used to when I was younger. Plus girls grow into mature women and women don’t say, “oh, he’s cute” like girls did back in school.
That’s one hard truth that hit me where it hurt and made me realize that it’s time to dive internally and fix what’s going on inside of me. Banking on my outside to get by in life just isn’t cutting it anymore.
I mean I still look good, in my opinion. But is that enough to keep me going in life? I don’t think so.
My interior may be in disarray ladies, but the outside is looking A-okay! Haha – the corny jokes just keep coming.
I pray that one day I can be the jokey, goofy but respectful guy I believe to be regardless if a girl I might find attractive says, “I thought he was cute until he started cracking those corny jokes.”
That will be the day.
“God, I’m ugly. Just playing God, but I am struggling. Struggling to find the Ibsaa you created me to be. What do I like, what don’t I like and what are my real interests and passions in life? Who am I God? I thank you for my looks to keep me going this far in life, but I am tired of running on fumes. Please help me and any others out there banking on their looks and looks only to get by in life. Help us realize that you care more about the heart (the inside) than the outward appearance (1 Samuel 16:7). Please God show us a way out. Help us embrace and know that we each are wondrous creations made by you God. By your Mighty Hands. Made uniquelly and with no other just like us. Not today, tomorrow, yesterday or ever. We are all one of a kind Masterpieces – pun intended. Help us know that and never rely strictly on our looks, but rather embrace the fullness of who you created for us to be. Thank you for putting this on my heart to pray. In Jesus name, Amen.”