I mean isn’t it? Isn’t sex the definition of love?

Growing up I saw a lot of arguing, disagreements and fights in my home and it seemed that the one thing that kept everyone together with all that mess going on had to be sex.

I mean what else could it be?

Watching the Disney channel religiously as a child, I saw happy homes where families really looked to love one another. To me, that looked to be the correct form of love at least because it made me happy inside and looked and felt right. But I didn’t see that type of love in my home.

At least not often.

So what was it that was holding my broken family together? Yes, we went to church, but didn’t seem to be living it as we weren’t the holiest of the bunch. So it had to be sex.

I mean I’m sure my family was having it as I have 3 younger siblings and people at school would always act sexually towards one another. Middle and high school from what I remember.

So maybe I once believed God to be love. As a young child when I was innocent. But as I began to learn what I felt held broken families together and what teenagers seemed to idolize over God, I turned to sex.

Sex became love to me and no longer God.

As I got older and realized sex before marriage was bad (says so in the Bible) I didn’t know how to stop. I had already become active sexually and lost my love for God in the process.

My love for sex had taken over my love for God.

Now I become fearful if I enter a relationship and don’t have sex or do sexual acts with my girlfriend. Fearing that that’s the only love I know how to give and receive as well. Fearing that they won’t love me for anything else and will be mad when they ask me, “Do you love me?”

Because I don’t really know what love is anymore. The right type of love that is.

My love is tied to sex and if any women can give me sex, what separates me loving you from any other women? I know that sounds really bad, but that’s how I’ve learned to think. I need help in getting out of this mindstate.

That’s why I believe I turned to pornography so heavily. Because it gave me this false sense of love. Love that I so very much needed and still need to this day.

I pretty much dropped my whole life to become what others wanted me to be and embraced love being sex or sexual acts. How do you just all of a sudden tell someone to STOP and turn back to who they were before all this? Someone who WAYYY back then knew who they were and saw God as love.

Is that even possible? I’m guessing it is with the help of Jesus. Right?

I’m honestly tired of being this 27 year old “man” who craves a woman whether I am single or in a relationship for sexual acts. Because that’s where I believe I will find love. We as humans were created out of love by God, so I can’t just turn my desire for love off. Its ingrained in us and at the end of the day, it’s what matters most.

“Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

1 John 4:8 (NIV)

“God is love.” 

I guess I need God’s help to redirect my love back to Him. I know deep down that desiring women to fulfill me sexually to bring me love isn’t right and I need God to help me out of this.
I’m tired of being grumpy, easily angered and someone who gets overwhelmed easily too. Not knowing how to receive and give love correctly, combined with a lost person frustrated and wanting to come out doesn’t mix well. It plain old isn’t pretty.

One thing I’ve learned through life as I’ve gotten older watching my family, my friends or even myself is that sex alone doesn’t keep a relationship happy and intact. My parents are divorced, I’ve seen many breakups with partners who were having sex regularly and I, myself, have broken up with girls who I was having sex with. So love being sex just doesn’t work for me anymore.

I want, matter of fact – need a love that lasts. I need God.

“God please help me find love in you. In a love that lasts forever. No longer in women or sexual acts. Please teach others to not go down this route as well. It’s confusing and very frustrating. I need your help Lord in breaking this bad habit and don’t know what else to do or who else to lean on. Please show me the way out. The right way. In Jesus name, Amen.”