Aren’t pastors perfect? I mean, at least that’s what I thought.
Ever since I believed I was called to be a pastor, I thought that from that moment on I had to be perfect. I could no longer sin.
This feeling of having to be perfect started before feeling called to be a pastor though. It only intensified, at least I believe it did, after I felt that calling on my life.
Growing up, I felt as if I had to be perfect for my step-father to love me and be happy with me since he could switch emotions so fast. Also, with being picked on at school and not having my biological dad around, from what I remember – I believed there to be something wrong with me.
And that’s why nobody liked me for who I was.
So I figured that from that moment on after being bullied, picked on and just not liked to be what the world wanted. What the mass majority seemed to like, which seemed to be a nice guy. A guy who didn’t drink or smoke. A Christian guy. Now that’s what the world seemed to REALLY like and respect!
Older and younger people both. So I became that. Or was I that already? I don’t know.
Anyways, I became this “always” nice, Christian guy who didn’t drink or smoke. The ladies really liked it so I wasn’t complaining.
But it started to get tough to be always nice and to never show my angry side. I had and still have this looming fear that people won’t like that side of me and in turn not like me. So I will, still to this day 10 plus years later, try to hide that side of me. The “ugly” side of me because no matter how “perfect” I try to be, I can’t be happy all of the time.
I needed and still to this day need a release. That’s honestly why I believe I’ve turned to pornography so much over the years. It gives me an out when my bottled up anger becomes more than I can handle. Also, it provides me with a fake sense of “happiness” that I very much need after dealing with so many angry emotions inside.
But even with pornography, the other – “ugly side”- still comes out. And usually it’s on those who I love the most. Whether they be family or girlfriends. Those were, matter of fact – are, usually the ones who see the “other side” of me, whether they want to or not.
Not my close guy friends or anyone else close to me. Just family and girlfriends really.
I feel safe with them. I feel like all of my girlfriends and my family will give me unconditional love no matter if I am happy or angry. Family – yes. Girlfriends – not so much. But I can’t blame them.
My “other side” isn’t pretty!
Girlfriends would of coarse leave, but my family wouldn’t. My family would just call me grumpy or say I get angry very fast. Hearing that still bothers me to this day. Losing girlfriends bothers me too. But that’s me. At least for now.
Once I felt this calling to be a pastor, it was both good and bad. I mean if it was true, I’d be helping bring people to Christ which is Amazing, but on the other side of the coin I would now have to be very, VERY “perfect.” Which is definitely not what I wanted or needed.
That only heightened my anxiety, twitching, feelings of overwhelmingness and just overall attitude. I believe I became meaner, turned to pornography more to escape and find “happiness” in the midst of all my pent up anger and overall frustration.
It really bothered me also that nobody really stopped and told me what and who a pastor really was. Maybe I never asked. Either way, I just created the definition based off of what I saw at church and on tv. Those men and women looked to be leaders who were blameless and perfect.
I mean they had to be, right? They are leaders of the church preaching messages of abstinence, holiness and Christ- likeness. Don’t they have to lead by example?
I believed that’s exactly what I had to become. Instantly!
Talk about stressful.
So now I still try to hide my anger, grumpiness and aggression. I try to stay away from people as much as I can in fear that that side of me – “the ugly side”- will come out. Tired of being caged away and finding moments to come out. When it does come out though, it’s like a flood. I believe that’s because I don’t let it out properly in increments throughout the day. So when it comes out – it REALLY comes out! It’s embarrassing sometimes.
I almost panicked today as I pushed off a ladies dog who was trying to hump my dog, but did so so angrily that I had hoped the owner didn’t see. It was bad. I apologized to her multiple times, I believe.
My anger, better yet emotions, just want to come out and be free. Free to be accepted and loved for what they are – gifts from God. As long as they are used properly, I believe there is nothing wrong with expressing each emotion God blessed us with. They just need to know that they will be accepted with unconditional love.
I didn’t receive that growing us, so I live in a constant state of fear. Because I can’t escape my emotions. They are apart of me.
But I am frozen in this state of fear and paranoia because of my past.
Now, it frustrates me even more when my other, unpleasant emotions come out because I am more active in the church and don’t want people to look at me sideways.
I believe that only makes it worse.
“God, why are you doing this to me? Or am I doing it to myself? How do I stop this? Do I have to be perfect God? I don’t know how to not be “perfect.” I am scared of losing people and I am scared of losing you God and Jesus. Please help me. Please show me the way in which you want me to live. I need your help. Thank you for putting this on my heart and mind. Please help anyone else going through this as well. In Jesus name, Amen.”