There was a moment in my life growing up where God stopped being my God and people took over. The relationship I had with God where I would pray beautiful prayers at night ended and my desire to conform to the world began.
People became my god.
God was Great and all, but I couldn’t see Him. I could see people picking on me at school, but I couldn’t see God. I could feel God some, but not like I did people. I could really feel people; especially their punches, which I hated.
So I had enough!
Enough worshiping a God I couldn’t see; enough going to church praising a God who allowed so much pain in my life; enough praying long prayers at night to a God who didn’t seem to care; ENOUGH!!!
“Please people, welcome me as one of your own.”
I didn’t say it like that exactly, but I sort of did when I began wishing to be like others.
Now, I had no idea at the time what I was really doing by wishing to be like others or have character traits like others. I just wanted the pain to stop and it was the best solution in my opinion at 14 or so years old.
Now if I would have known that by wishing to be like others, I would forfeit my love for God and turn that love and worship to people instead, I don’t know if I would have still done what I did.
I mean as an adult now, HECK NO, I wouldn’t do it again. But I have to realize where I was at mentally in middle school and how trapped I felt. So I don’t know.
I think the better solution would of been to do what a friend of mine did who I met in college. His dad was locked up when he was growing up, so he prayed to God to step in and be his Father. I was so close to God – I don’t know why I didn’t think to ask that as well. But it looked to really work well for my friend as I believe he is married now and he was probably one of the most blessed persons I have ever met in my life!
I would highly recommend doing what my friend did if you feel stuck without a dad or mom and just need help. Just say, “God, will you step in and be my Father or God will you step in and be my Mother or both?”
Let me know how it goes!
But yeah, now that I’m an adult I see how wishing to be like others has tarnished my relationship with God. I’ve realized that I still worship people more than I do God still to this day. Even though I’ve stopped wishing to be like others.
It’s still in me to put people over God. Especially white people. I see them as gods because they own everything, have all this money and nice homes, cars and seem to have so much power. Worldly power at least.
I just don’t know how to break this pattern of years and years of worshipping people, to stop and worship God again.
4 “You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, 6 but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.
Exodus 20: 4-6 (NIV)
I can for sure tell God is a jealous God when you worship anyone or anything other than Him. I can speak on that first hand and I can tell you, it’s not fun at all.
Not a great way to live your life. Especially when you try to turn around and come back to God. It’s either all in or nothing. No in between.
God sees when I turn my Christian music down when a car pulls up because I am ashamed of Him, but rather please the driver next to me. God sees me try to befriend everyone though He speaks against that in James 4:4. God sees me not disclose to certain people that I am a Christian, but keep it under wraps.
God sees and hears all of that because He is everywhere. He is omnipresent.
God sees how much more I care about people than I do Him. And He is not happy with that. Not at all.
Until I stop worshipping people, I will continue to experience this pain inside. This internal turmoil and conflict going on inside of me where half of me wants to stop worshipping people and worship God, but the other half lives in fear of giving all my attention and love back to God. Fearing pain from people may come back again into my life and I will be stuck again, not sure as to what I should do. The same fear I had as a child.
But you know what, this time if that fear creeps back in because people pick on me like they used to (which I doubt, but still), I will do what I said earlier. I will ask God to step in and be my Father. Just like He did for my friend.
36 What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?
– Mark 8:36 (NIV)
I know there is glory and grace on the other side – I just have to get to it. I have to overcome this fear of the unknown.
“God, I stopped following you to follow people because I couldn’t take the pain anymore. The pain of being abused at school and at home. I wanted the instant satisfaction so I took it into my own hands. I am sorry about that. Please rid me of this people pleasing and people worshipping mentality that I have. I am sorry for offending you by doing this. Please welcome me back and allow me to only worship you for the rest of my days. May I teach my children and others to only worship you as well. Thank you for putting this on my heart to share. In Jesus name, Amen.”