It’s all her fault. My mothers – that is.

If she hadn’t married my former step-father, I wouldn’t be going through all of this pain today. She allowed this to happen!

I remember times when my younger brother and I were going to be spanked by my step-father and my mother would leave the house with my little sister because she couldn’t stand to listen to her two little boys getting beat.

“She was my rock. The woman who gave birth to me. The woman I knew all my life. How could she just leave like that? He could kill us for all I know!”

This man wasn’t my father and she chose to marry him. A man this angry, aggressive, disrespectful and abusive. It’s not his fault, it’s her fault- my mothers!

She did this!

If she had never married him or stayed with my dad, I wouldn’t be this jacked up today. I am tired of putting on a facade for everyone when internally I am in pain. Pain because of my mother for allowing this man in my life and pain because God didn’t bless me like he blessed my friend in guiding me to pray to Him to be my Father like He did my friend.

Lord only knows what my life would of looked like if I did that instead of going the route I did.

“Why didn’t God put that prayer on my heart when I was going through Hell in my childhood? Does God love my Puerto Rican friend more than me?”

All these thoughts have been resting deep inside me for a long time now. Laying dormant, ready for an opportunity to come out. Coming out every so often when my mom calls or texts and I blatently ignore her. Or when I yell, scream and cuss at God from time to time. Because I am angry at the two people who put me in this situation.

My mom and God.

I believe the key to healing is Jesus and diving deeper into what’s battling me internally, not externally.

“So here it is God. How do I move on and forgive you and my mom? Is it even possible?”

At the end of the day it’s hurting me more than it is my mom or God. I think that by being angry and vindictive towards God and my mom, that they will eventually feel sorry for what they did to me and apologize. But I don’t believe it works that way. Heck, I’ve tried doing it that way for years and I’m still stuck in this rut.

Stuck and ready to come out.

“God, please show me a way out. A way to forgive and a way to move on. Holding on to this anger towards you and my mom is only destroying me. Please help me let go of it for good – once and for all. If anyone reading this is holding on to resentment and anger towards someone because of something that happened in their past, please help them let it go and forgive as well. It’s not worth it. Not just for the other persons sake, but mainly for them. You love each and every one of us God and want to see us healthy and flourish in the one life you gave us here on earth. Please help us do that Lord. Please help us forgive. In Jesus name we pray, Amen.”