Searching for the right words. The words that will set me free. Set me free from this suffering I am enduring and have been enduring for a long time now.
I have been searching for as long as I can remember.
Not just searching for words, but days. Maybe my birthday God will set me free from this suffering or maybe Christmas. Christmas makes more sense because it’s Christ’s birthday. Okay, not Christmas then maybe Easter.
Always searching, hoping and praying for the day God will release me from this suffering.
Now if you met me on the street you would think I was a normal guy living a very privileged life.
All you see though is a glimpse of a personality that may not even be mine and my circumstances. You don’t see my mind and what goes on behind closed doors when nobody is around.
When I’m home alone, by myself, with nobody else around me – that’s when I’m the true me. The real Ibsaa.
The Ibsaa who is suffering and begging God for a break. Every moment of peace I get I thank God for or at least try to. Because I know pain is coming around the corner whether I like it or not.
I’ve thought about Hebrews 12:6 and honestly that’s kept me going at times. But then I’m like, “Would God really punish someone this much that He loves? This feels more like hate to me.”
because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” (NIV)
I’m just waiting for the day when God will set me free. When my bad days won’t feel like Hell on earth, but rather just a bad day.
Again, you may just think I’m complaining to gain sympathy and maybe I am – I don’t know. All I do know is this suffering hurts and it hurts badly.
And it has been for a long time now.
When a therapist or friend gives me a book to read to help me get through my internal battles, I struggle. Not because I can’t read, but because I am frantikly searching for that sentence, that paragraph or that quote that will FINALLY set me free from all this pain. It makes reading very difficult, frustrating and almost impossible.
I don’t know how many times I’ve thrown a book down out of frustration because I just couldn’t move through a chapter. I would then have to constantly go back and reread something in that chapter over and over again.
Tell me to pray and I struggle because I feel like if I don’t express to God EXACTLY what I am going through at the moment, He won’t help me. So I try to verbalize it correctly grammatically and everything. Just like this blog. Doing my best for it to just make enough sense for God to understand what I am trying to say and heal me.
I am always searching. Waiting for the day to be released from this pain.
That is why I believe the book of Job is my favorite book of the Bible. Because he experienced pain and didn’t know where it came from. I experience pain and don’t know where it comes from either. Yes, I believe it’s my past but why did therapy, books and church not work yet?
Sometimes I think I am paying for my fathers sins or maybe I said or did something in my past that offended God. Heck, I don’t know.
But I am always searching and asking God what I did wrong. So that He will tell me and let me loose. Let me loose from this pain.
People wonder why I twitch so much, get overwhelmed so easily and have really bad anxiety. It’s because suffering is around every corner for me and I just don’t know how to get away.
Like I said, God gives me moments of joy & happiness. But they are shortlived when you are already thinking about the suffering coming any moment now.
“What did I do God? Please tell me. Did I say something rude to you as a child? Did my father sin against you and am I being punished for his mistakes? Do you not just like me? What is it? Please tell me. And is there any way to get out of this suffering once and for all or am I stuck like this forever? Should I stop hoping for self-help books, sermons at church, therapists, birthdays or holidays to save me from this? I need your help as to what I should do. I am tired of searching for the right words to say to you, book to read or therapist to help me. Please show me what you want me to see. In Jesus name, Amen.”