I think out of everything, I’ve realized what I believe, I desire most.
The protection of a man.
I remember days back when I was in middle school where I would walk around with my chest high and felt good inside. Those were the days when my step-father and I were on good terms.
Not only did I feel like I had a father who loved me on his “good days,” but I also felt like I had a protector.
Someone who would look out for me, keep me safe and stand up for me when bullies at school attacked & picked on me.
But I remember one instance when I was jumped by another kid at an apartment complex we lived at. It was funny because as I was being jumped, I see my little brother come running from behind the kid jumping me. My little brother then jumped on the kids back, which forced the kid to let me go.
I then went home crying and thought my step-father would help. He didn’t.
From what I remember, he just told me to “man up.” I was like 13 or 14 years old or maybe younger. What does that even mean to me at that age?
So I went on to conform to what people wanted me to be and no longer was the Ibsaa God created me to be.
Because I lost my protector in my step-father and I couldn’t go on being bullied, picked on, and just feeling down without someone on my side.
So I took it into my own hands.
As I was driving back from the dog park this morning, I realized that. I hold on to God so tightly now, not just because I am scared of losing Him like I did the past men in my life, but rather I need Him.
I need Him to be my protector.
I need Him in case someone picks on me at church, or at work, or at home. I need Him in case life gets too much for me to handle again.
I need Him by my side because He is all I’ve got. There are no other men in my life with my grandfather passing away 3 years ago. I need Him now more than ever!
I can’t let Him go. I’m a scared little boy living in a grown mans body.
I thank God for revealing this to me this morning and just pray He shows me how to properly let go of that fear and realize He will always be my protector. And that I don’t have to try so hard everyday for Him to be there for me.
“Please God, if that is your will, show me that you will always be there to protect me. No matter what. Thank you for revealing this to me today. In Jesus name, Amen.”