Why bother trying to do good in this world? Why bother trying to bounce my eyes every time I see an attractive woman? Why bother going to church and trying to be a “good Christian?”
At the end of the day, does it even matter?
Yes, I’m sure God is proud of me for doing those things but is that enough for me?
To others like you, you may be saying “YES!,” but to me not so much.
Not so much because I never received the approval I had always wanted as a child and still do today as a 27 year old man.
The approval that is, from my father.
If there is something I want more than money; more than fame and more than the best female God can find for me, that’s to hear “I am proud of you son” from my father.
To know that I am doing it right. Living life and growing up to be a man in the right way.
But I don’t hear that.
Instead I am just supposed to trust and believe that God is proud of me, though I haven’t heard from Him in a long time.
When I’m driving home after therapy or after leaving a dog park when I tried my best to abstain from lusting, I think to myself sometimes, “Who cares? Like really Ibsaa, who gives a crap that you went to therapy to resolve your issues or that you bounced your eyes at the dog park. Or that you are waking up at the crack of dawn to volunteer at church? The guys in your accountability group don’t seem to care much, so why bother trying?”
When you have an actual father, you see, hear and feel his love daily. From the moment he wakes up he may give you a hug, to speaking a word of encouragement to you before school and then tucking you in for bed at night.
With God, I don’t know if He is mad at me, happy with me or if He is even around listening to me half of the time.
I just have to trust and believe that He is.
I guess in a way that’s a good thing because it builds your trust in Him. But still. Sometimes I just want to know He is there without a doubt and for Him to say something back to me when I am going through it and in a negative mood. Or even just say He’s proud of me.
I know I can read the Bible, but I’ll be honest – the Bible goes over my head sometimes. I don’t know if it’s my anxiety or because I get overwhelmed easily, but I struggle retaining a lot of what I read in the Bible. Maybe it’s how it is written – I don’t know.
But it’s a struggle reading it most of the time and often times I wish I could time travel back to my younger years and attend Sunday school again. And this time pay more attention.
They’d probably look at me funny if I went now – haha.
But yeah, God’s Word is Great, but I just need it broken down and applied specifically for me sometimes. Sometimes I try to search Google to see if there is a direct line to God. I know prayer is the best way, but an even more direct line. Crazy, huh? But that’s me.
I want a father. Like Really, really badly!
A father to teach me how to treat a woman the correct way; a father to teach me how to pray; a father to show me how to raise my kids; a father to show me unconditional love even if I’m not the toughest kid out of the bunch; a father to be proud of me; heck, a father to show me how to use aftershave.
But also very important – a father to take the load off of me and allow me to grow gradually into the man God wants me to become rather than rush into it. A father who can take the loads off my back on helping to raise my younger siblings when I don’t even know how to raise myself, deal with family drama, help me navigate life and just grow into becoming a man. That, in itself, is probably what I crave most next to a father saying he is proud of me.
I am tired, burnt out and just need a break. I really need a father to just step in and take over.
Right now I’ve been watching Pastor Rick Warren on YouTube and his messages are AMAZING! I love how he takes a topic like anger then breaks it down to steps to overcome anger that are applicable for today and brings in passages that talk on anger in the Bible. I love that!
But yeah, I miss that personal one-on-one bond a father has with a child. God’s Word is not just for me, but for you as well. Sometimes I want that selfish love and Word, just for me to feel special.
Not that I’m better than anyone else, but that I’m different and unique from everyone else. I want to feel that.
I’ve never really felt special, talented or wanted to be honest and I would love to feel that. That’s why I had been banking on hearing back from my ex – because I want to feel special at least to her.
But as much as I complain, I will keep pushing. Even if I don’t ever meet my dad again or if my former step-father never reaches back out to say he’s proud of me, I’ll keep on keeping on. For God.
He’s done so much for me in my life, I owe it to Him to keep pushing in a positive direction.
I will continue to crave those words, “I am proud of you son,” but if I never hear it, oh well. It will for sure hurt not ever hearing those words and I may continue to act out in anger, jealousy and resentment. But like yesterday’s blog, I hope God fills that void in my heart.
The void of not having a father say, “I am proud of you son.”
“God may you please fill that void in my life by proving that you have a special type of love for me and our proud of me. I know I may not see you like I would my actual father, but please show me Lord that you care, love and are proud of me. Proud of the man I have become. Thank you Lord. In Jesus name, Amen.”