It’s true – I am.
I know, I know – “Ibsaa, SHUT UP about you and your ex,” but I just have one more thing to say. So bear with me, please!
Ever since my ex and I split a month ago I’ve been waiting. Waiting to see if she would call or text me saying how much she’s missed me or realized just how good of a guy I really am under all my angry ways.
Waiting for her unconditional love...
But no text or call has come through. At least not from her.
Many guys would relish in this opportunity. I mean I’m now single, living by myself (with my dog – can’t forget her), have a car, some $ in the bank and a house to myself.
That’s almost heaven to a non-Christian guy.
But to a guy like myself, it’s not so much heaven. Yeah I’ve been tempted to bring a girl back this past month, but haven’t. For two reasons.
One because I don’t want to displease God and the guys in my accountability group and the other reason is because, in my head, if I hook up with another girl it’s over with my ex and I.
If she hits me up later on and finds out I hooked up with someone else she may NEVER take me back! That is a terrifying thought to me. I mean I could lose her love forever. To me, that could be the last time I ever experience love in my life.
I mean who would want to love me, right? I know God does as I hear it all the time, but do I believe it is the real question? My ex was a real life person who I could see, feel and hear loved me. I miss that.
Now I know some of you are probably thinking, “You are single now. How can she be mad if you talk or hook up with another girl?!”
I know that, but I am still scared of losing her for good. In our relationship I always felt like she had so much control over me because of how weak and needy I felt from my abandonment issues, lack of love growing up and so forth.
I didn’t want her, I NEEDED HER!
She became my lifeline.
My relationship with God is rocky as I feel He is always punishing me for every little thing I do wrong and struggle to find His love, my mom is always traveling with her boyfriend, and my grandmother seems more business focused though I do feel she is getting better at understanding me and my needs.
For all I know, my ex could have moved on and be with another man right now. But I can’t move on. And I’ve tried.
Everyone has told me that if my ex is really for me, God will bring us back together and to just trust God. Trusting God isn’t easy when you have codependency issues due to lack of love growing up.
I’ve had opportunities with other women this past month but freeze because I think, “Is me hooking up or even getting to know this girl worth losing my ex?” So I usually go the other direction in fear.
Heck, I even have fear of starting over and going through a whole new relationship with another person.
My ex wasn’t perfect by any means, but she loved me – the imperfect me – and I don’t know how to start again. Will someone else love me with all my faults and insecurities? I don’t think so. So I hold on to hope of hearing back from my ex.
Both my therapist and my grandmother have said I’m a good catch and should have no problem finding another girl one day. But in my head, I’m not.
And that’s why I’m sitting in these therapists offices. Cuz I got issues!
Once a girl sees that I have a twitch, struggle with confidence, have anger issues and so forth, will they want me? I’m working on addressing all these insecurities of mine as I’ve mentioned before with therapy, church and these books but still.
I feel like I have to be perfect for people and even God to like, let alone love me.
I HATE that feeling!
Hopefully time and consistently staying in God’s Word will help me push through this tough time in my life. Having this fear of losing love for good is a Very Scary feeling. I mean love is the essential ingredient to life. God is love (1 John 4:8).
I will continue reading His Word as best as I can everyday and hopefully God will show me just how much He loves me and has loved me through it. Just how much He unconditionally loves me, which is what I desire most.