It’s hard. Trying so much every single day. Feeling like there is no break button or off switch and the only one you get is when you are asleep.
I hate this. I don’t just want a break, I NEED a break!
I need a cure to this.
Now today, for instance, many people would say I have a break. That, in fact, is true because my overly anxious dog is in doggy daycare for the day, so I don’t have to worry about her following me everywhere I go for a few hours.
That is a tremendous blessing!
But my trying doesn’t just stop for my dog, as I always try to make sure she is happy. My trying extends to smaller, more simpler things like having a conversation with someone at the grocery store.
For example, if I see an older white man coming towards me at the grocery store, I will try get all proper and speak to him in a respectful & kind tone as I would think an older white man would want. But if I am walking through my neighborhood and I see a group of black guys, I’ll try and talk less proper and say something like “hey, what’s good y’all?”
It all switches and changes, depending on who I am with or talking to.
And it’s not fun at all.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to move to a remote island with no people. Not for the weather or beautiful beaches, but so that I could stop trying. If there are no people on the island to try to please, in my head, I can finally relax and kick back. Just be Ibsaa again. Man, that seems beautiful! More beautiful than the sandy beach and turquoise water.
I mean when am I truly myself throughout the whole day? That’s a good question. In my dreams maybe. Actually, I don’t know about that either.
If my dog looks bored, let me try to make her happy by taking her to the dog park; even though I just took her to the dog park a few short hours ago. I have to get some groceries, let me try to please everyone I interact with by trying to be who they want me to be. Oh, I have to call my grandmother, let me try to make her happy by overly listening to her and being very respectful. Let me try and volunteer at church. Then maybe God will be happy with me, love me and rid me of my “problems.”
Now I am not saying I’m not naturally caring, kind and respectful. Heck, I don’t even know at this point because I’ve been trying for so long. Trying to please any and everyone I come in contact with. Including God.
Now I know James 4:4 (NIV) says:
“4 You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.”
Yes, that is extremely scary to me, but I just don’t know how to turn it off! I’ve been doing this since I was like 14 years old, I believe. Trying that is.
Being bullied and picked on constantly at school then feeling unaccepted at home, made me wish to be like others. Rather try to be like others. And in the beginning it felt like it was working, but now I am so lost and confused as to who I really am.
How do you just turn off something that’s been apart of you for over 10 years and find yourself?
I can’t even sit in a therapists office and receive help because I am trying for them too. It’s crazy!
“How do I stop this trying God? It is draining, painful, uncomfortable and just plain not fun.”
I envy people who can hang out with their friends and just be silent at times. Or people who continue to be themselves even if others disapprove of how they are acting. Even those persons who aren’t acting as a Christian should.
They don’t care. I want to not care too.
If I do try for God, I want it to be out of love and not fear. My trying now is rooted out of fear. If I don’t try for God every single day or my girlfriend, my friends, my dog and maybe even my family, they will all leave me.
I know it sounds crazy and I should just stop and embrace that that’s not true, but referring back to my post from the other day – I just don’t feel worthy of love. So I continue trying in hopes that you will love me if I am as “perfect” as you want me to be.
It is going to be a battle to end this once and for all. I’m almost positive.
I dated my ex for 3 years and don’t think my true side ever really came out for that long. I had friends in college who I knew for 4 plus years, but remained the silent guy who laughed a lot for most of the time because of fear of being the true me.
You can say time will heal me, but I don’t know about that. I will continue reading God’s Word, a chapter a day, as I’ve been doing and see if that helps any. Right now, that’s the only option I have that seems to offer any real benefits.
I write this blog as I get ready to go for a workout and I already anticipate trying to please many people on my run. Not a fun way to start your day.
Please help God. Love Ibsaa.