Like, FOR REAL!

Having abandonment issues sucks!

To this day, I have tried all types of things from therapy, trying to forget the past, writing out my thoughts on paper or here on this blog, prayer, etc. to get rid of my abandonment. But nothing seems to work.

I feel as if I will Forever feel as if I will never be good enough for anyone and that people will never really like or even love me. I absolutely HATE living like this!

My grandmother recently told me that growing up my father and I had a really close relationship before him and my mother divorced. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I don’t remember too much from back then and actually can’t recall any images or memories of him from my past.

Sad, but true.

Though I can’t recall images or memories of my dad, I still seem affected from losing him to this day. Crazy how that works!

I guess I attribute losing loved ones close to me as it being something wrong with me and not them. I know I stated something like this in another blog post recently, but I wanted to address this topic from another angle.

It has been years since both my father and step-father left my life, but I can’t seem to shake this feeling of not being good enough for anyone. After my ex left, that was like the straw that broke the camels back.

But with my ex, I believe I pushed her away in fear that she was going to leave me anyways or disbelief that she truly loved me to begin with.

So I can’t blame her. But it all hurts the same.

Until I fix the root cause, I will continue to manifest abandonment in my relationships and day-to-day life.

Pushing women away that seem to love me; always talking during conversations; fear of being quiet or awkward silences; fear of making friends or reaching out to friends; fear of cars behind me switching lanes and so on and so forth. This is just a glimpse into what abandonment looks like in my current life.

It’s like no matter how hard I try or how good I feel that day, I still struggle with feelings of abandonment every day. Even when I try to turn it off, I can’t. It’s frustrating, irritating, annoying, embarrassing……you get the point.

And people, I can be having the BEST of days out with friends or family and still struggle with abandonment!

Cray, cray!!

Just recently I was at a dog park chatting with this guy as we were both walking our dogs. I wouldn’t shut up just because I had a fear that if I were to stop talking, he would get bored of me then leave. I didn’t want him to leave because then I would think I wasn’t good enough. Sad, but that’s how I currently process things and have been for a lonnng time now.

I am frozen in fear.

I’m almost done reading this book, “Waking The Tiger: Healing Trauma” and believe I mentioned it in a prior blog post. It says we, as humans, go through fight, flight or freeze mode when we encounter threats in our lives. If we don’t release the energy required to face the threat at that moment through either fight or flight and we freeze out of fear, that energy most likely will remain stuck in our nervous systems. It will remain their, until you release it.

Now, I don’t know how much truth there is to that but it seems true to me.

Possibly every time I try to conjure up feelings of being worthy now as an adult, my brain reminds me that I still live at home, am broke, single and my father and step-father both didn’t like me and left, thus causing me to go back into freeze mode. I stop in my tracks and don’t know how to push past the negative thoughts. This, in turn makes it impossible for me to reach the other side of healing.

I believe my battles with keeping a job has A LOT to do with me bringing my abandonment “issues” to work with me. I know they say, keep work and personal separate, but I just can’t boo boo! When a manager promotes someone over me or a customer praises someone else and I get left out, I don’t just get mad – I get depressed.

Here we go again” is how I feel. So I retreat and quit.

I can’t seem to find a method that works to release this “energy” trapped inside of me.

The book says to embrace your “felt sense” or your “feeling body” when you feel those emotions start to rise. So like with that gentlemen at the dog park, when my anxiety started to rise because of feelings of abandonment coming on that he may not find me worthy and leave, I should embrace how my body is feeling at that moment.

Is my heart beating faster, is my chest tightening, am I starting to sweat? Embrace those feelings in the moment. By doing this, the book says you will begin to release some of that nervous energy out of your system.

I will try it next time and see how it goes. If it works, I’ll be back with some good news y’all!

But yeah, that’s my abandonment for ya!

Like I said, I’ve tried many different things to rid of it, but it’s still here. Finding motivation for life is hard when you don’t feel worthy or good enough. It’s even harder when you can’t push past those feelings of not being worthy or good enough.

Those people probably have no idea the damage they did to me and may never will, but I’ll continue to search for the cure to this. I’ve survived this long. Why not keep pushing?

Please help me Jesus.

And if any of you suffer from abandonment too, please let me know! It’s always nice knowing you aren’t alone.

God bless.

 

 

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