You’ve been going most of your life feeling like it’s not okay to be you – your authentic, true self. Ever since your parents split up, your life got thrown into a whirlwind and now, at 27 years old, you are stuck & not sure how to get out.
It’s scary. Very scary.
Scary because you somewhat remember how good life was before all of this, but you are unsure as to how to get back their.
Frustrations only grow as you keep trying and trying. Doing any and everything you possibly can to get back to who you were before all this mess.
If only I go to church more, read The Bible more, pray more, act kinder and so on & so forth. Maybe once I am “perfect” in the eyes of The Lord He will lift me out of this suffering. That’s how you’ve been feeling, huh?
Tough stuff. But it’s okay, because nobody taught you differently.
You know why it’s been tough on you too? Because you have no control over God, His timing, control, power or saving grace. All you have control of is hope.
And that hope is fleeting.
Especially after receiving the bad news from the accelerator program yesterday. You now have no idea what to put your hope in anymore.
You saw on tv somewhere years back & in The Bible that God and/or Jesus save people from suffering, so you’ve been trying your hardest getting that healing power working for you. Is that right or wrong? Is it right to use God like that?
“Forget building a relationship with God. I just need Him to heal me now so I can live a normal life!”
Ibsaa, it’s okay. Speak the truth as God already knows it.
You’ve tried living the perfect life to no avail. You think that since God is a perfect God, that if He sees you being “perfect” too that He will bless you and take you out of your suffering. Though you’ve tried that, you are still here mentally, physically and spiritually suffering. Feeling like God doesn’t love or care about you.
Fear has overtaken you. You fear being alone forever, never receiving the help and saving grace you desire. You fear spending eternity in hell where, in your head, is just like what you are going through on earth but a million times worse.
You are scared and that’s okay.
You tried reaching out to your ex today because of feeling so hopeless, alone and hurt – I know. Though she didn’t answer, it’s going to be okay, trust me.
This fear you have is not your fault. You were thrown into a whole new environment when your mom remarried. This man was not your father and you and him just couldn’t connect.
That’s not a reflection on you, so don’t hold that against yourself. Not everyone is going to like you.
Yes, your mother and father split, but not because of you. They were having issues in their marriage. But I know you believe you had something to do with it. And that’s okay. In time, we will move past that.
For him not to reach back out after all these years makes you feel some type of way. It’s tough, especially being a man.
Your grandfather loved you though. I know he may not have shown it in the way you desired, but he did. He was a great man that did a lot for you.
Ibsaa, I’ve realized something else about you.
Believe it or not – You enjoy the pain.
The pain has become you; the pain has taken over who you are. I mean it’s all you’ve known since you were 14 years old. That’s over 10 years!
“How do you just all of a sudden stop?!” – I know.
But it’s time to let go and start anew.
I know it’s going to be tough. You’ve been holding on to the pain for many reasons. It’s all you know, you believe the more pain you endure the more respect you will receive from others, you are scared of being the true you and getting rejected again. “Will people make fun of me like they did in middle school?”
Ibsaa, breaking news! It’s not middle school anymore and you are an adult now.
If people pick on you, give it to God. Now you know how you messed up as a child and what to do now instead. If you get caught in a situation where the whole world is picking on you again, this time, tell God about it versus conforming to the world. Just like you used to do in your prayers before bed back in middle school.
You got this Ibsaa! I know it!!!
I also know you are angry because you feel like you have no help and are confused on how to go about this process. Your ex left you and didn’t seem to understand what you were going through and nobody else around you truly seems to get what you need most, which is help finding & embracing Ibsaa. The real Ibsaa.
That, in itself, is frustrating and I am sorry.
You also need help understanding how to build a relationship with God. But you can start by just trying to read a little bit of His Word from time to time. No pressure.
I know you are mad at Him for letting you suffer like this. Jesus please help here.
It may take time, but I am here for you. I know you crave the encouragement of a father and that is something I can’t give you. I do pray to God that He provides that during this process.
It will be tough, but you got this. Remember, you are a king.
Jesus, please help Ibsaa through this process. Amen.