So I recently applied to this accelerator program here in California to see if one of my ideas for a startup would take off.

I thought everything was aligning properly. I had recently moved to San Francisco – which is the mecca of startups – had been active in church, read some good self-help books, have been seeing a therapist for a while now, growing with Christ and I honestly thought I had a solid idea.

Well I guess the program and God didn’t feel the same way I did because unfortunately, I was not accepted.

I received my rejection email early yesterday evening and I was devastated. I tried to play it off all cool, but inside I felt and still feel defeated.

I mean I had been trying hard for God. Why would He not give me this great opportunity? I have been trying hard for God for such a long time. He knew I wanted to use the money I would make from my company for good. He knew my passion for entrepreneurship. He knew how much this meant to me.

Why wasn’t I accepted?

Or is the bigger question, why wasn’t I accepted in life?

I mean my father left me at a young age, step-father kicked me out, I was bullied all throughout life and recently my ex left me. Doesn’t God know all this is taking place in my life, but I still chase after Him each and everyday?

Going to early morning church groups every Wednesday here in San Francisco, stepping in to help out on video & media at my church when other people can’t make it, bouncing my eyes off of females when I am driving and so much more. Doesn’t God see all of this?!

Or is maybe God not good anymore. Maybe God doesn’t care for those who care about Him like He did in biblical days. Heck, maybe God isn’t even real.

Maybe we’ve all created God to be this always good, always great being who can never do wrong and is always just. Maybe God is racist.

My car broke down. Oh well maybe it was in God’s will for you to learn to…..

My wife left me. Oh well maybe it was in God’s will because she…..

I got fired from work and I don’t know why. Oh well maybe it was in God’s will so you could….

I am tired of always trying to find the bright side or the “God side” in all the negatives. Always believing that it’s God trying to teach me something and I just need to persevere. “Oh Ibsaa, read Romans 5:3-5 or Ibsaa, read James 1:2-4.” I’m tired of reading all these motivational scriptures for nothing good to happen in my life.

Yes, outwardly my life may seem nice. But inwardly I am mentally f’d up from my past and I don’t know how to fix this.

Maybe God isn’t real and in life, shit just happens. Maybe God enjoys watching people suffer and kill themselves.

I’m honestly tired of believing in Him and trying for Him. I’ve dealt with failure before in the past but this one cut deep. He knew how much I wanted this.

Ever since middle school, I remember hearing the definition of entrepreneur and it stuck with me.

One who risks personal loss to develop and market a new product.

Before all this mess of me wishing to be like others in middle school because I wasn’t happy with who I was, God knew I had a desire to be an entrepreneur.

Seeing me fight by reading a chapter of the Bible a day for 3+ years, transferring to a Christian college in another state to get my degree in Church Ministry, finding and confessing to multiple therapists my “issues” to hopefully resolve them, reading multiple self-help books, finding a church on Yelp here in SF, and becoming active in it all meant nothing to God.

I’m tired of trying for you God. Probably half, if not more, of the people that got accepted into the program don’t even believe in you.

And for those of you who are going to read this and say “just be patient and wait on the Lord.” I’m fucking tired of doing that!

I read the book of Job recently to just give me some kind of relief. But I am still hurting inside.

I’ve waited on God to heal me of my abandonment, abuse, neglect, lustfulness, brokenness, etc since I was 14 years old. And I hate to break it to you, but I frankly believe that God, if He is real, is just like all the other men who I grew up with – He just doesn’t give a damn.

Right now some guys/girls who probably don’t even believe in God, don’t go to church, and partied their asses off the night before may have just got into that accelerator program. They are probably out drinking, smoking and having sex celebrating.

But the Christian who has been trying is sitting here a failure…again.

The fact that my ex hasn’t reached out in almost a month makes the pain even greater. I thought she would see a shining light in who I was after a while and reach back out. I mean, I did that for her after we broke up before. Though I wasn’t perfect, I kept trying to seek help for her.

But at the end of the day nobody cares truly about you Ibsaa. Not even God.

I’m done trying for you God. You don’t care and I honestly don’t think you ever will.

I’m honestly ready for Hell if that’s my destination. Because trying for God is way too tough and I honestly believe that I am a mistake.