I’m tired. Honestly, I’ve just had enough.
I could end the blog here and be happy because that pretty much encompasses how I feel in a nutshell.
I honestly think that God hates me. He has to for my life to be this tough. Every time I try to express how I genuinely feel to others or even to God I feel invalidated. Like yeah you may have got shot, stabbed, burned, and jumped by a gang but you woke up today so that’s a blessing.
But that is literally how I feel. I just want my emotions to be validated and people or God not say, “just focus on the many blessings in your life.” I can’t because my mind is so f&*ked up, that I can’t even enjoy the simple things at times.
But yeah, I’m overwhelmed if you can’t tell already.
Overwhelmed mainly because of this damn dog. Honestly, I didn’t think getting a dog would be this much work. I knew it would be work, but not like this.
Being a single puppy parent too doesn’t help. Not having a job and realizing how expensive dogs are has only added to my stress load. Not to mention my dog has EXTREME separation anxiety and follows me everywhere.
But yeah, Elmira (my dog) is stressing me out and ramping up my anxiety.
I get overwhelmed trying to find her the proper behavioral therapist to address her separation anxiety and fear. I get overwhelmed trying to find her the right doggy daycare that I believe will care for her appropriately. I get overwhelmed just starting my day because I know that I am solely responsible for her and she will be following me everywhere I go from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep.
As crazy as it sounds, I have a fear that if I don’t give her enough love as a puppy parent she will walk out and leave like my father and step-father. My mind is truly a piece of work, I tell ya.
I am just tired God.
I lost my girlfriend (I know, again) recently, so I’ve been leaning on God a lot! Trying to talk out loud to Him versus in my head in hopes that He will hear me and help me out.
But honestly, I am beat. I am exhausted, overwhelmed and just plain stressed out!
I legit believe that God hates me. He has to.
I mean I’ve been trying for Him for years and He knows it, but I still feel like I go through Hell each day.
It’s like though I’ve been in therapy for over a year, read all these self-help books and become active at my church, I still have suicidal thoughts at times. Like, what is that all about God?!
You see me trying. Why don’t you give me a break here?
I’m just fed up and f’d up from my childhood. It is so hard to just make it through the day with all the baggage I am carrying through my childhood that nobody seems to understand.
I am just frustrated, alone, annoyed, overwhelmed, anxious and tired.
Maybe I should just get used to the fact that this suffering I endure on a day-to-day basis may be my life going forward. Maybe I should stop trying to look for the light at the end of the tunnel because it may never come.