So I adopted a dog, but I don’t feel like getting into that right now. I made a video and will share it at the end of this blog.

I am tired and fed up because nobody knows who I truly am. Heck, I don’t even think I know who I am and it’s driving me crazy!

When I see my therapist every week, I put on the “happy” Ibsaa. When I meet with my church guys every Wednesday morning, I put on the “respectful” and “Christian” Ibsaa. When I pass the elderly lady down the street, I put on the “I am going to be extremely nice to you so that you like me” Ibsaa.

All of these Ibsaa’s are fake, but I don’t know how to turn this shit off! I’ve been doing this since I was 14 or so. Pretending to be what others wanted me to be so that I didn’t get picked on, judged or abandoned.

What is really bothering me is that I can’t bring myself to stop being fake with people and just be myself. I hate it!

I guess because I’ve been doing it for over 10 years now it’s like programmed into me and I don’t know how to turn it off.

I will constantly readjust myself and be who others want me to be even if I prep myself beforehand on what I really want to say and do before meeting with that certain person. The fucking fear of judgment and disapproval has me constantly sacrificing who I am for who they want me to be.

And honestly, it is tiring me the fuck out and it is very draining. I’ve even thought suicide before because I feel like the only way people will ever truly understand my pain and what I am really going through is if I were to kill myself.

I figure once they see me gone they will then realize how serious I was when I told them I had depression, dissociation and abandonment issues, social anxiety and so forth.

But I can’t bring myself to kill myself because I believe that killing myself is like buying a direct ticket to hell and I don’t want that. To live in a hell like I am living in now for eternity – I don’t think so.

I keep trucking honestly because of hope. Hope is all I got.

Hope that one day my life will turn around. If I just keep seeing my therapist, reading these self-help books, attending church functions and doing my best, maybe one day God will see my efforts and help me out of this hell hole I’ve been living in.

It hasn’t happened yet, but I am still holding on to hope.

I can’t even bring myself to read The Bible lately because I hate God right now in my life. He see’s how hard I have been trying, but nothing. I honestly hate him.

He doesn’t even stop to show the people closest to me what I am really going through. It is always my fault and my responsibility to fix it. That is a God who cares?

I will keep trying, going to church stuff and making an attempt but I hate being fake. I hate pretending like I love God when I go to these things at my church or just interact with people in my day-to-day. So maybe I’ll take a break from church too – I don’t know.

I am just tired and feel very alone.

Nobody truly understands me and I hate it. I’m fearful, anxious, pissed off – the list goes on.

I know I have a few more chapters left in my trauma book, but it’s just getting the strength to read it that’s the tough part. I’ve already read two other self-help books and am on my second therapist in a year and look how positive I seem tonight.

Will I ever change or am I stuck like this? Am I the only one going through this mental hell?

I am beat. My new dog won’t stop following me and is only ramping up my anxiety and I don’t know what to do. Do I give her back, keep her. I don’t know.

She is a lot more expensive then I thought with the training I will have to get for her, food, grooming, etc. My mind is just in overload right now and I truly don’t believe God cares.

I am broke each and every week, just struggling to get by. I know I need a job, but will I quit again when my anxiety kicks in like I did 3-4 other jobs?

In my mind, God is in the rich part of San Francisco blessing some white family with more money & happiness and he can care less about what I am going through.

I know what you are thinking, just focus on the blessings in your life. When your mind is fucked up, nothing matters but your mental health!

I did so much for God and he doesn’t even give a damn. I am fed up.

Constantly putting on faces for any and everyone; feeling like I always have to be there and  make my new dog happy; on top of finishing all these self-help books is wearing me out. I don’t care if anyone likes this post. I just wanted to get it out of my system.

It’s been almost 3 weeks since I’ve looked at porn, so maybe I am going through withdrawals tonight. Idk.

Oh and the video I created for my dog. Here it is below. It may look like the happiest video in the world, but I just felt “good” when I created it.

Hey, maybe I’m bipolar too.

Goodnight

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