So I slipped up. Fell back into pornography.
Don’t bother being angry at me, as I am already angry at myself.
I was going strong then BAM!
But I noticed something yesterday and today. Something that I believe is very important not only on your walk to purity, but in your daily life.
We can’t do this alone. Life that is.
God designed for us to be with others. In the beginning of The Bible, we see God realize this after He created the first being to ever exist in Adam.
The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Genesis 2:18 (New International Version)
Before I slipped up and looked at pornography, I tried to collect my thoughts. I tried to figure out why I wanted to look at porn. What was going on inside of my mind that made me no longer care about abstaining from sin and the streak of about a week and half I was on? What was up?!
I think I figured it out you guys (and gals).
I wanted to be loved and appreciated. And I felt I wasn’t getting that.
Yesterday was an eventful day. Wednesday is the busiest day of the week for me. Heck, it’s the only day of the week where I really have things going on that I have to be present for.
But prior to Wednesday (yesterday), I stumbled upon a website detailing schizophrenia.
I legit almost passed out reading the symptoms of schizophrenia because I thought I had it. On top of that, I thought I had multiple personality disorder, experienced nervous breakdowns – heck I might have even believed I was white at the rate I was going that night.
I was believing everything I was reading!
My therapist the next day told me that she didn’t believe I was schizophrenic or have multiple personality disorder.
Oh yeah, when I woke up and got ready to leave the house in the morning, I realized that I am in fact black as I looked in the mirror. So no worries there either.
So everything I thought I was, I wasn’t. I cried myself to bed that night for nothing thinking I had all of those mental disorders. My neighbors probably thought I was shooting an R&B late night music video, all the crying I was doing that night.
But back to all seriousness.
My therapist said she just believed me to have extreme anxiety and get overwhelmed very easily. Which I WHOLEHEARTEDLY believe is true!
After I exploded on my family member, as I mentioned in my blog a few days ago, my therapist mentioned that I may have done that because the overwhelming feelings of emotions I felt after she said she was coming to visit me led to me doing the only thing I knew how to do when I feel backed against a wall. When I feel like others don’t understand me and the space I need, all I know how to do is yell and scream to get my way. I’m like a big KID.
That made a lot of sense.
She told me that the next time I feel overwhelmed with emotions to first recognize that I feel overwhelmed and that I feel threatened. Then to take 3-5 deep breathes.
Along with this, moving to a different room or changing my environment would be beneficial. Also, EFT Tapping, which I have to look up. But this is another resource to utilize when I am feeling overwhelmed or anxious.
Lastly, taking a trip out into nature may be beneficial. This kind of goes alongside what I was doing last week by going to Fort Mason and taking in the views of the city. That was very peaceful for me.
So yeah, no schizophrenia or multiple personality it seems. But for sure, anxiety and feelings of overwhelmingness are apart of me. At least for now.
That was my session yesterday, more or less. And I know you must be thinking, why oh why did you look at porn after such a great question?
The answer though lies in the topic of this blog. I was alone after I left my therapists office. I didn’t know who to call or talk to that would truly understand me like my therapist did. I also didn’t feel loved or appreciated for all of the efforts and strides I have been making lately.
I pretty much told my whole life story (though I didn’t want to) yesterday morning to some guys at my church and nobody even seemed to care.
Also, my girlfriend and I are on a break as I sort through my trauma and my family and I aren’t really on speaking terms. My “issues” have made me distance myself from everyone, as I feel my therapist is the only one who truly gets me right now.
Though I got some good advice from my therapist yesterday, I still wasn’t ready to reconnect with friends or family.
I wasn’t excited about going home to an empty house, so I took my time getting back home. Listened to some R&B so that probably didn’t help my mood either, but hey – it was late and semi-peaceful to listen to.
Once I got home, I felt more alone than ever. Thank God I found some good tv shows on to watch because I almost collapsed, broke down and looked at porn last night. But I didn’t.
I looked at “it” today.
I realized that living alone isn’t good. You need friends and family to keep you going in this life. Not just to live with you, but to call on when you feel low. To give you encouragement and love.
A quote I read in a book, “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren, a while ago hits home here.
“Encouragement is needed for spiritual strength and development.”
My “issues” make me embarrassed to truly befriend people I meet here. Fearing abandonment, them not liking me for who I really am or exploding like I did with my family and girlfriend, I keep a safe distance.
My therapist said a dog would be a good option as I work through my trauma. She even said she would give me a note so that I could get it as a companion dog for my anxiety. Awesome!
I was excited to hear that from my therapist yesterday, as my girlfriend and I had just went to the shelter when she was here recently and this one dog made an impression on me.
I’ve been praying about it, so we will see. I may even go back to the shelter today to see if the dog is still their.
But yeah, that’s where I am at today. A lot of emotions in my head, but thankful I have my therapist to help me navigate the ship to shore.
I will let you all know if I get the dog, but I hope and pray I do!
Also, I will let you know how the steps to calm myself go that my therapist gave me. I hope to break free of feeling overwhelmed and extremely anxious soon.
I’ve realized that I am only calm enough to write this blog today because I finally have hope! Though I still feel alone at home, my girlfriend and I aren’t speaking and my relationship with my family isn’t the best – I finally have hope. Hope that I will one day be healed because of my therapist and the book she provided me to read.
She is helping me each and every week and I am grateful for it. Though I have to pay for her help, I do believe it’s worth every penny. Because what do they say – the best investment you can make is in yourself? I believe that is very true, indeed.
Though I push people away that could give me the love and encouragement I desire, I have hope that my therapist will give me the tools I need so that I can finally break down those mental walls that are keeping me from receiving that support and love from others that I need.
So this dog and my therapist may be all I have now, but I know they won’t be all I have forever. Once I gain myself back and learn to love myself, I believe God will open all types of doors for me to both give and receive love and support.
But until then, I will hold on to my new best friend in hope.