You want to know what I am good at? Very good at? What I’ve been good at for years.
Pushing people away.
Especially those closest to me.
I can go days ignoring my mom, grandmother, siblings – everybody and not feel bad about it at all.
Before I go to bed, I will pray for them as I don’t want anything bad to happen to them, but I am hurting right now and I just need my space.
This goes back to what I talked on earlier with depression and lashing out at those closest to you.
I expect those around me to understand me like my therapist does, like I feel a parent should, and when they don’t – I explode and dissociate from everyone.
Today was no different.
After ignoring calls from my mom and brother, I pushed my girlfriend away too. Why you may ask after I said we seem to be doing better?
Because I don’t feel she understands me like I had hoped she would. She helps me find a therapist when I need it most and is always there for me, but right now I need more. I am a hurting child right now living in an adults body and I need help!
Waiting a whole week to see my therapist is tough. I want my mom, sister, brother, grandmother and girlfriend to be my therapist too, but they aren’t.
I can’t be mad at them for not truly understanding what I’m going through because it is true, none of them are therapists. But right now, in the state I am in, I can only interact and be around those who truly understand me because the pain is only getting worse.
As I have given up pornography, I now have nothing to lean on and take the pain away when it starts to boil up inside of me.
So now, I have nobody. It’s just me and God and He doesn’t talk much.
I believe He is with me right now, but I miss having someone physically beside me. Someone beside me who gets me to my core. Honestly, I miss my college buddies right now. I miss them because of how much fun we used to have and the laughter we all shared together.
If there is one thing about me, it’s that I LOVE to laugh!
I will rewind something a million times on YouTube or on tv if it makes me laugh. Sometimes I don’t even find it funny, but enjoy watching others on the show or in the clip laugh.
It brings me such joy and I thank God for my sense of humor and how easily I can find something funny.
After my girlfriend and I agreed to take a break so that I could focus more on my trauma, I turned to YouTube. I needed a good laugh and that’s what it gave me. I know laughing isn’t a sin, so thank God for that.
If you want to know what my mind is like, I’ll paint you a picture as best as I can. This is what trauma looks like in my mind on a regular day.
When I talk to my girlfriend and she is happy, I get mad. Not because of anything she said that made me mad, but maybe because I wasn’t allowed to be happy as a child and thought happiness was bad growing up, so I get mad. Or maybe because I am jealous of how happy she is and envy that I can’t be as happy as her on a regular basis. Or maybe because I want her to see what mental suffering really feels like (that’s not a threat by any means). But I want her to feel my pain too and feel that it is unfair that she can be so happy, while I am suffering over here.
There are many possible reasons that I could get angry over something most people probably would find stupid or silly to get angry about. But hey – that’s me. At least right now.
My therapist told me last week to try to find the root of my emotions and there you have it. I tried. I don’t know which one may be the right one, but hey…
That’s just one description of what I go through. Another would be always trying to keep my family safe and away from any situations that may lead to a fight, whether verbal or physical.
It could be a kids play place at the mall with my niece and her almost bumping into a girl. My mind may jump ahead thinking this girls mom is going to come around the corner, start yelling at me and my niece and cause a seen, so I will pick my niece up immediately and move her. Or better yet, try to leave the play place because my mind is going a million miles a minute thinking of how this could go wrong.
That is just one scenario around this. I do believe this has to do with being the oldest of my siblings and growing up, due to the beatings and yelling we all experienced, I felt like it was my responsibility to keep my siblings safe.
Though I experienced serious trauma from my childhood, as you can see now, I don’t want those around me that I love to go through what I went through and am going through now. So I always try to remove or avoid those situations at all costs.
It’s not a fun way to live, but by no means do I want my siblings to experience the Hell I go through in my day-to-day.
Some other examples of my mind on a given day are feelings of extreme overwhelmingness when someone may just ask me to run a simple errand for them. Tremendous fear of death and God if I make a mistake. Feeling that God will punish me like my step-father if I forget to pray for instance and also Him sending me to Hell if I am not perfect. I struggle looking people in the eyes and feel myself getting angry inside if I look at someone for too long. I struggle looking in the rear view mirror of my car because when a car behind me switches lanes I take that as they abandoned me or don’t like me. I’m always overanalyzing how people think about me after a conversation and get really jealous if they like someone more than me.
It would take forever in my opinion to address and find the root of each of these symptoms and speaking on feeling overwhelmed easily, I definitely do when it comes to addressing my “issues.” I throw in the towel constantly feeling like their is no hope. That is why I am leaning on this book I am reading now, my new therapist and God so much because right now – that is all I’ve got.
I have a family that loves me, friends that care about me and a girlfriend that has been by my side through thick and thin, but right now I need more. I need someone who truly understands what I am going through and can help me find a way out. Once and for all!
I may lose my girlfriend, my grandmother may take the house I am staying in back and my siblings may fall off without me helping them, so I am very scared right now.
If there is one scripture that I love and hate at the same time, it’s 1 John 4:18 (English Standard Version). I hate it because it reminds me that with the tremendous fear I currently have, that I have a long way to go in terms of being good in the love department. But also, I love it because when I do master love, all this fear I am experiencing now will be cast out!
I pray that my therapist can help me this week and help me understand how to fix this “mental problem” I have. It’s hurting my family, destroying my relationships and frankly it is literally mental hell every single day.
I hope that God is still up their and has a plan for my life, because right now – being that it has been over 10+ years of struggling like this, I just don’t know.
Even after finding 2 Wonderful therapists in San Francisco, reading several great self-help books and finding a good group of guys at my church to keep me accountable, I just don’t know.
I pray that God helps me make it to Wednesday to see my therapist again and I pray for any one of you who may be struggling like me in anyway. If you are, we can go on this journey together.
Because there is one thing for certain – I am not giving up.