Where is Vivian Green at with her smash hit “Emotional Rollercoaster” when you need it?
That’s how I felt yesterday.
First off, I slept like a king. I actually slept in my bed and not on the couch in the living room with the tv on like I normally do, which was Great!
When I woke up though – on a beautiful, sunny Saturday morning in northern California- I couldn’t get out of bed. Not because my body wouldn’t physically allow me to, but because my trauma was holding me back.
I felt confined to a beautiful Saturday under my bed sheets. I felt depressed.
The feelings and thoughts accompanying me not wanting to get out of bed was anxiety that I would face being around lots of people if I went out, not wanting to see other couples or people in general happy as I didn’t feel happy, but rather I felt very alone.
I wanted to stay in my house and stay under my sheets, but my depression only grew stronger as the morning hours passed by and I stayed in bed.
So I leaned on the ultimate healer for help. His name is of coarse – Jesus.
Without Jesus and God by my side, I guarantee you that I wouldn’t have made it this far in life with all of the internal and external battles I face on a daily basis.
I thank God for God because without Him, who knows where I would be.
So yeah – I grabbed my Bible as I felt the depression getting stronger as I continued to lay in bed and started praying to God in my head about what I should do. God always comes through, as I soon felt my heart shift.
I truly believe that the Holy Spirit lives within us as I felt led in that moment, not to turn on the tv or go downstairs and play video games, but to get out of the house.
I followed The Lord’s lead, got in the shower and I was off!
I went back to Fort Mason, which is where I was two days ago because looking out at the water and seeing the Golden Gate bridge on one side and Alcatraz island on the other gave me so much peace.
As I sat in my car with the engine off, driver side window down feeling the cool breeze grace by skin, I felt very relaxed. I brought my Bible with me because I felt in my heart that The Lord wanted me to bring it with me yesterday.
After sitting in the car for a little while, my mind began to wander and landed on the topic of pornography and cheating.
Random, but hey – that’s what came to mind.
As I thought about my years battling pornography addiction, lusting and even cheating, a thought came to me that related to the trauma I am learning to uncover within myself more and more with my new therapist.
When I watch porn, lust or even cheated in the past – I tried to break it down as to why I did it.
When I turn to porn, lusting or even cheating it is ALWAYS because I want to “feel better.”
Feel better than I currently do in that moment at least. There are times when I do it when I already feel good, but want to “feel better.” Weird, huh?
I usually, if not always, feel horrible after I do any of those actions but that is what I learned from a young age to do to cope, survive and deal with my pain. Nobody taught me any different, so I haven’t changed since.
I’ll be honest. Trying to become a Christian is hard too. In my head there are a lot of rules to follow to be a Christian and for me, I couldn’t just easily give up pornography, lusting, anger and so forth to become “the model Christian.”
I needed – heck I need right now – help if I am going to be someone people lean on and ask for advice within my church. And to be honest, I took a step back from my church just recently because of feeling that pressure to be “perfect.” I just couldn’t do it.
The books of The Bible are Great, and “God is good,” but I am hurting right now. The only way I can ever become a “model Christian” and look as good as the other Christians in my church do is taking a time-out and focusing on trauma with my therapist.
BUT, I do still lean on Jesus, God and The Holy Spirit to help me through this process because I don’t believe that I can get out of this Hell that I am in without them.
Now that I have a therapist helping me dive deeper, I see that this self-medicating I
was am doing was is really a cry for help. A cry for understanding, love, compassion, care, and so on and so forth.
The inner child within me has needs that haven’t been met yet and he is constantly crying out through my bouts of anger, depression, lustfulness, etc.
HE NEEDS HELP!!!
So when it comes to lusting, I think I objectify woman and have for such a long time because all I see is a nice body and pretty face. Or all I see is what looks good, beautiful and pleasing to me. I see what is going to hopefully make me “feel better” than how I currently feel.
It’s my drug.
When I watch porn, I don’t see the woman arguing with everyone on set showing her “not so pretty” side or when I am lusting after a woman jogging, I don’t see that she doesn’t believe in God or care to. Or when I cheat, I may only see that me and my coworker are laughing and having a good time at work, but if we lived together we would be fighting like cats and dogs.
I don’t want to see the sides of these women that will turn me off. I only want to see the good and pleasing stuff; the stuff that will help me escape my “hell” of a reality.
That’s why I believe there are so many divorces, affairs, porn & alcohol addicts and so forth. “Adults” are falling in love and getting married to hurt children.
The hurt inner child may come out after couples live together for a while and the inner child feels safe with this new individual. This inner child may feel that this person truly loves them like a parent and will act out with bouts of anger, rage, lustfulness and so on and so forth. The partner may see this acting out as childish behavior, which is actually very correct!
But in fact, this acting out is really a cry for help. And if neither partner understands or see’s that – divorce, infidelity, addictions and so forth will most likely take place.
If we haven’t addressed our pain from our childhood, our symptoms are most likely showing everyday and we just don’t realize it. We’ve learn to just accept these emotional rages, lustful behavior, rudeness and depressed states as who we are. Or if we are Christian, we may say it’s the Devil. But it’s not. It’s a hurt little child inside us screaming out for help and if we keep drowning him or her out with liquor, porn, or bad relationships – it will only get worse.
Once we stop to realize this within ourselves or others, we can then pray to The Lord for guidance and help in what to do.
God wants you to love Him and others, but He understands that you may need help and guidance in loving yourself first before you can do so. Once we learn to love ourself the way God wants us to, we can then learn to love others and God the way God designed. Love is no joke to God because “God is love (1 John 4:8 New International Version).” He tells us so again in His Greatest Commandment for all human beings:
30 “And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength. 31 The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”– Mark 12:30-31 (New Living Translation)
God will surely provide the help you or the other person needs. God allowed Jesus to die for you and me and for the sinners we have become, because He loves us. He loves us even though we can be angry, lustful, prideful human beings.
God’s love is unfailing. It says so right here in Psalm 36: 5-7 (New Living Translation).
If we stop to address the needs of our inner child, I believe that our lives will look a whole lot different.
Those cravings for porn, lust and cheating may very well just turn into desires.
And we can rest more sound at night knowing what God said in 1 Corinthians 10:13:
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (ESV)
God will provide us with a way out if we get tempted with our desires.
All of these scriptures I’ve shared are here to show both you and me just how much God loves us. Also, how much he cares for us and wants to help us. This last scripture I will share at the bottom, just goes to show that not only does God care and love us so much, but He wants us to spend eternity with Him in heaven after we die. This is why He sent His Son, Jesus, to die for our sins. Now that’s love!
I haven’t looked at porn in a few days and my cravings for it and lusting have died down as I’ve started seeing this new therapist and started reading this book (“Waking The Tiger: Healing Trauma”). So I do believe that it works!
Having someone finally seem to embrace, understand, and be compassionate towards me and my inner child has done wonders that I can’t even explain in words. She has also given me a Great deal of hope for my future as she told me in our first session that I would get better. That, in itself, rocked my spirit and my world!
After we address the need(s) of our inner child, I believe that we will want to stay home and resolve any differences with our spouse in the right way versus turn to porn, lusting or even cheating to “feel better.” We will already feel better inside after addressing our hurts, so why turn to these other options then?
I am a testament to that in how I handled a disagreement with my girlfriend recently after years of non-stop arguing then turning to porn right after when we lived together.
I believe that we will feel a Great sense of peace after we heal our inner wounds and live a fuller, more whole life, as I am sure God intended.
We will love the way God designed for us to love.
I know our inner child’s will thank us as well.
But anyways, that’s what I got from yesterday. I know I am not “perfect” by any means, but this blog will hopefully one day be a testimony to the fact that you can heal from any trauma you experienced in the past and that God does in fact exist and care A LOT about you and me!
But please, if you do try to address your trauma (which I hope you do), please bring Jesus with you on your journey to healing. The road to recovery can be rough, trust me, and you will need Him because friends and family can only be with you so much.
You don’t have to leave a Christian, but I can promise you He has helped me in ways I could never imagine on my journey to recovery and wants to help you too.
God loves you.