I feel bad coming back today with a blog not so happy as I had hoped for after yesterdays blog.
But hey – life happens, right?
Anyways, the day started out Great. Got a good workout in at home, ate well and the day was beautiful here in sunny California. I thought, why not go shopping on this beautiful Friday afternoon?
Before I went grocery shopping, I decided to take a stop by the water and go for a walk. By an area called Fort Mason here in SF.
It started out as a nice walk. I hit almost 4 miles by the end of it, which was good in my book. Especially since I worked out at home prior to my walk. Felt like a BEAST afterwards!
But it all took a turn for the “worst” when I received a text from a certain family member informing me that they were coming to town.
Now I know I should probably be excited having family come see me, but in all honesty – I wasn’t.
I wasn’t happy because right now I am in a groove with my new therapist. I am just getting to know her and just getting to know the process of understanding and recovering from trauma.
I want my space as I go through this process.
Is that too much to ask?
This certain family member seems to come to SF often to see me, which aggravates me at times. I think a lot of the aggravation has to do with symptoms of traumatic experiences from my past being triggered when they arrive that I can’t seem to control.
For me, it’s just best, in my opinion at least, that I stay clear of everyone as I start to get more serious in addressing my “issues.”
The book I am reading now on trauma (“Waking The Tiger: Healing Trauma”) talks about being scared of acting out towards others and even yourself as you embrace your traumatic experiences. That, I believe, is very true indeed.
I lashed out today on my family member because I felt like they don’t understand that I need my space as they keep coming out to see me. I lashed out today because I felt like my family member doesn’t care that I am hurting and they only want to come see me to get attention that they desire. I lashed out today because I feel like my family member only cares about the business and not what I am going through.
I lashed out today because I am tired of being DISRESPECTED!
To me, having this family member repeatedly come out knowing good and well what I am going through is an act of disrespect. I believe so for many reasons.
This person knows good that I go out of my way to take care of them and make sure they are never bored when they come here. This person knows that I will give them all of my self, which seems to please them but hurt me.
Though these are only 2 reasons, these two reasons are very BIG in my book! Big because I am sacrificing myself and my time for them. I know I should be more understanding, but I am hurting right now and hurting badly!
It’s like all of a sudden this trauma hit me like a flood and I am struggling everyday to find a way out of this hell I am going through. I feel at times like I can’t even function like a “normal” human being, so I stay inside often times.
I can’t deal with family, friends or even church right now. I stopped volunteering at my church for the month of March just to focus on my “issues” with my therapist.
I am taking this very seriously!
I get overwhelmed easily and right now I just need as little stress as possible. Please God.
I literally thought today that God didn’t exist because if He knows how much I am hurting, why would he send my family member out here when I seem to need space the most right now?
It just didn’t make sense to me.
Two good things did come from all of this I will say though. 1 being I have something to talk about with my therapist come Wednesday and 2, I think I was able to connect today’s emotional outburst to a trauma from my past that may be the reason for my anger and frustration.
My therapist this past week told me that when I feel any strong emotion to sit with it and try to connect that emotion to a trauma from my childhood. Be compassionate towards it and try to understand where it is coming from.
I did that today with my anger towards my family member and feelings of being disrespected. I was able to successfully link it back to moments of being bullied in middle school and at home because of my “soft” personality and glasses I wore. At least I thought that was the reason.
In order to survive back then I had to stand up for myself. Nobody taught me how to stand up for myself, so I instinctively did what came to me first. I yelled back at my mother and punched a kid who wouldn’t stop punching me at school.
The kid at school left me alone after that and seemed to respect me from then on, which was good. But then the switch was turned on as I saw it worked and I then became more aggressive and angry towards family members especially. Anytime someone would seem to disrespect me in anyway or try and take advantage of my kindness, I would pounce like a tiger!
I believe that today was linked to that childhood moment. I recently told this family member I am speaking about that I needed space and just two days later they say they are coming to SF. I know it may be business related, but still.
They could offer to stay in a hotel or at least ask me knowing what I am going through and how I literally just expressed that I needed space only a few days ago.
Since I felt disrespected in that moment, I did what I learned to do as a child when the bully at school would pick on me continuously and my family seemed to disrespect me at home, I pounced like a tiger!
Honestly, I tried to pray before I pounced but the tiger was just too strong within me and needed to be unleashed.
Anyways, that was my day.
I did pray for my family member afterwards because I did say some rude and disrespectful things. But honestly, when you go through trauma, it’s like you are living in a mental hell that nobody else understands and All Hell literally breaks loose when you are triggered.
I have true compassion for others who struggle with traumatic symptoms like me. I honestly hope that this blog becomes a platform one day for people to talk, learn and move past traumatic experiences together.
That is my dream and prayer.
Oh yeah, I still believe in God and I didn’t make it to the grocery store. Maybe tomorrow.
And I believe that I just have to take it one day at a time (Matthew 6:34 ESV), keep faith and trust that God knows what He is doing up their.