Where have I been? Good question!
Honestly, I don’t even know and I’m the one living in my own skin.
Life has been tough for me after finishing college in 2014. After I received my collegiate degree in Transformation Christian Ministry, with a minor in Biology, I really didn’t know what was next. I believed that I had followed God to this school in the middle-of-nowhere Florida and once I received my degree….
Where did God go? Did he forget about little ol’ Ibsaa?
I was CONFUSED and Stuck!
Fast forward to present day and here I am living in the beautiful city of San Francisco, California. The city where I was born and raised for a few years, I might add.
I found a nice church upon moving here, a great gym and a wonderful therapist. So hey, I can’t complain too much.
But I still didn’t and still don’t know why I am here. Why did God put me on this earth for? To take up space?? Or is God going to use me for something or someone?
I honestly don’t know. Maybe hearing God’s voice when I was younger, reading The Bible a chapter a day and going to a college to pursue my undergrad in ministry was all a mistake. Maybe that wasn’t really God. Or was it?
Life is really frustrating when you don’t know why you are here. And why God placed you, yes I am talking to you, on this earth!
Just playing – we are talking about me here so let’s get back on topic.
“God, what is your plan for my life? God, did you really want me to go to that school in Florida for ministry and if so, why? God, did I not read a chapter of The Bible correctly, as you wanted me to? God, did I really hear your voice? God, are you even real?”
These are all real questions I ask God. I’m frustrated. I mean wouldn’t you be too?
When you go outside, your mind tells you that everyone around you has got it together, but you don’t. Your mind makes it seem like there is something wrong with you. But of coarse, living the life of an aspiring Christian, every Christian will tell you that’s not true and nobody is perfect.
We all have issues!
Well to be honest and frank here, I wish more people would show it proudly. I wish more people would express that they aren’t perfect or that they don’t have it all together!
I mean why not? If nobody is perfect then let’s embrace that fact instead of trying to pretend we are.
I sometimes wish we lived in a world where when people asked “how are you doing?,” they genuinely cared to listen to a response other than “I’m fine” or “good.”
Man how different the world would look if someone was able to ask that question to a complete stranger, then the person responding answer back with how deeply they are hurting inside, and the two share an intense moment of care, attention and love.
Now that would be beautiful!
In Mark 12:31, it does say to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (New International Version)
But you know what I think the problem is. People don’t know what “true love” really is.
I mean, I am still in the process of learning what love is myself, so I am no expert. But in my eyes, God is love. Oh wait, I think someone coined that before me – my bad. Let me throw some quotes on that.
“Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”
– 1 John 4:8 (New International Version)
They said it a great deal better, so we will leave it there.
I thought I knew what love was, but…I didn’t. I thought I knew who God was, but I don’t.
It seems that everyday I am trying to unlearn something from my past. It’s not fun – I’ll tell you that. I thought (think) God was (is) a God who loved to punish people and I thought (think) love looked (looks) like sex.
My young mind formed God into a punisher and love into strictly an act because that is what I saw growing up.
Here I am at 27 years old, not only not knowing why I am here, but realizing that I have to erase over 20 years of incorrect information that wasn’t necessarily taught to me, but rather shown. It’s tough. But hey – I’m trying to be optimistic!
I’ve met a great group of people at my church through volunteering, lost a nice amount of weight, grown A LOT in the year almost I’ve been back in California and loving the weather!
But I know that work still needs to be done. I can’t go on the rest of my life believing that God only exists to punish people and cause harm and that I will only find love through those who will sleep with me. That can’t be right.
I’m a work in progress – I know that. I will continue to update you as I go, but I just wanted to let you know where I’ve been; mainly mentally more than anything.
Keep me in your prayers as I will keep you in mine.