Do I understand what love is? I don’t think so.

Love scares me. Love scares me because I don’t know if it’s guaranteed.

If I act a certain way, make a mistake, not be who the other person wants me to be, will they stop loving me?

Love terrifies me!

For as long as I can remember, I have felt like something was wrong with me. I struggle making friends, holding a job, being successful in relationships, etc.

Now I know I could continue blaming my past, which is what I have been doing for years, but I’m ready for a change.

I want to understand what love is….but I need help.

Honestly, though a million people can tell me God loves me, I don’t know if I truly believe it.

I believe God’s love is conditional just like the men of my past.

If I’m not perfect and to His liking every second, of every minute of ever hour of the day, God will stop loving me.

I hate living like that.

I want to understand love, because not understanding it is destroying my life.

I don’t know what to do and I’m tired.

Apart of me just wants to throw in the towel sometimes and give up. It makes it even more frustrating when other people expect love out of you and you don’t know how to give it, let alone receive it.

I feel broken. I feel like my past broke me and it’s up to me and me only to repair the damage.

I wish I had an older brother sometimes to help me get through this. It’s tough.

I have a tendency to push people away and apart of me believes it’s because I am used to people at some point or another rejecting and abandoning me, so I just try to beat them to it.

I may yell, scream, argue with you, say some mean & disrespectful things then come back an hour or less later apologizing for what I said.

I hate that I get so angry and push great people away. It shocks and amazes me sometimes that some people close to me are still with me after what I’ve put them through.

That definitely has to be God right there!

I don’t know what my future holds and/or if I will ever get better at giving or receiving love. Heck, I would love to get married one day, but right now I don’t know if that’s possible.

I enjoy spending time by myself more than I do with others because I don’t have to deal with the anxieties I feel when I’m around others.

Is my hair nice enough? Is my outfit dressy enough? Is my attitude in check?

These, on top of many more, are questions I ask myself prior to seeing friends or family. I don’t want them to lose their love for me if I’m not respectful enough, look nice enough or smell clean enough. So I try to bring my best.

It’s all a facade.

If it was up to me, I would show up to the door in shorts, a tank top and slippers with my hair a mess because that’s the real Ibsaa.

I would be sensitive and extremely goofy, because that’s when I feel the most comfortable and relaxed.

But do you know when I can truly be that Ibsaa? When I am by myself.

Because nobody is around to judge me, make fun of me, or not love me because of it.

I agree now that love is an EXTREMELY powerful emotion. An emotion I am still wrestling with today.

Hopefully one day I will fully understand it, but for now I will continue to fear it.

If “God is love,” then maybe I need to take up understanding what love really is with Him.