So my therapist recently told me to write a letter to my dad expressing whatever emotions I felt. Not holding anything back.
This letter to my dad taught me a lot. The main thing being, I don’t miss my dad as much as I thought.
I miss my relationship with God.
Dad, I miss you.
I don’t know where you are but I miss you and hope to see you again. I want to see what features I have from you and what I have from my mom.
I’m not mad that you left, I just wish I knew where you were. Just to know that I have a father out there means more than you will ever know.
I remember being a kid and my step-father was in my life. When times were good with him and I, I felt whole. I felt as if I was complete. I mean I had my mother at home and my step-father as well and everything, at that point in time, was good.
But then he left and that sense of completeness was gone with him. I missed that and still miss it to this day.
I feel as if I am still searching for what it means to be a man even at 27 years old. Deep down, though I am an adult in societies eyes, I still feel like an abandoned child on the inside waiting for his father to come home.
I’m not only waiting for my father to come home, but for him to come back and teach me how to be a man. Teach me how to navigate this crazy world. Teach me how to deal with others who pick on me. Teach me how to follow God.
I need and want a father.
I’ve tried asking God to be my Father, but I don’t know if He heard me or not.
My life is very difficult and I miss the ease of it when I had other men in my life to take the load off of me and help guide me.
If I’ve learned anything from you not being in my life, it’s that the pain of it takes a long time to go away. My belief that the pain goes away is only a hope.
I hope that one day I can be a father to my own child or children. I want to propose, get married, and live a happy life as a great father, husband and man of God. But instead I sit in therapy angry, resentful and frustrated.
Angry, resentful and frustrated because I am sitting here fighting to let go of pains from you not being there. I can’t blame you, but it still hurts. God says forgive, but I don’t even know if I truly know God to be honest with you.
I see God as you and my step-father. A God who could easily leave me and a God who would punish me if I coughed funny.
In writing this, I honestly don’t think I desire you back as much as I desire my relationship with God back. The relationship I had with God as a child when I would pray to Him for hours on in. The relationship I had with God when I didn’t see Him as evil, but rather as a loving God.
This letter isn’t to you dad, but to God. Help me see you for who you really are again God.